Bastica

Fondue Night in Pictures

2009-04-23T19:26:00.003-05:00

This is the same Fondue Night where I shared all the recipes from previously. Thought you might like to see them. Of course they are in the wrong order, so we will start with after dinner drinks, followed by dessert etc.
I found this drink in a discount bin at a small local grocery. It's called Jason and Larry's Evil Spirits, so naturally, I thought Jason and Larry should try it.

They toasted with great eagerness.
They no likey. Jason and Larry's Evil Spirits are hereby banished from our house.

The delicious Caramel dessert course.

I seriously thought they might start licking the bowl and their plates. I'm not saying I didn't think about it.
Coop Dawg enjoying the meat, vegetable, bouillon course.
Alas, there are no pictures of the cheese course. We hadn't thought to get out the camera yet. Larry didn't get any cheese, because he was too late and we were too hungry.

Our Newish Home in Photos

2009-04-23T18:36:00.006-05:00

We moved in February 2008. I took pictures to share with you in December, and they are finally making it online. This is especially for my long distance friends who may never get to see it in person.

Unfortunately, I skipped a few rooms. They were probably messy or something. I just went and took pictures of my bathroom and kitchen to share in the future - which who knows when that will happen, but I hope to do it.

I loved being able to put up a Christmas Tree for the first time in 5 years! I just never could get into the spirit in a little apartment when the tree was in storage at Grandma's and dragging the other decorations out of one of those storage units -- bleh. I actually had my Christmas Tree up before Thanksgiving. I was always such a firm believer in no tree before turkey, but I was just too excited. Plus, the older I get, the faster the season goes by. I guess if I had a real tree, that wouldn't work so well.

The pictures aren't really in the order I want, but dealing with pictures on blogger takes forever and stresses me out, so in the interest of minimum stress, I will caption them as is.

This was after a big snow in January.

This is Jason with the pink hair that I mentioned in the forking post. This was at our housewarming party. Yes, on the t.v., that's old school Sonic the Hedgehog on an old Sega.

This is the only picture I have of my kitchen for now. That's Jason's Mom helping out at the housewarming party. She is a great blessing to us - always serving and giving.
Blue Skies. Green Grass.
I always wanted my Christmas Tree in a window. Finally happened.
We have this old sealed up a/c unit in our living room. It's not functional and it goes all the way through the wall and outside. Basically we have a hole in our house that will need to be sealed up. Maybe next fall we'll fix it, but for now, since I couldn't get rid of it, I decorated it.
From the dining room, looking into the living room.
Part of my teapot collection on the lovely shelves in my.......
...dining room. Those shelves made me fall in love with this house. The first thing I moved into the house was a lone teapot to put on the shelves.
This China cabinet belonged to my Great Great Grandmother. I adore it.
The living room.

Got Forks?

2009-02-11T20:59:00.002-05:00

It was an average Tuesday night. My Mom left my house after our Summer Bible Study around 9pm. I always watch her get into her car to make sure she’s not abducted and all that good stuff. All was well. Jason comes home from Youth Group at 10pm and is furious! He asked “Did you see it?”

Alarmed I asked “see what?”

He led me to our front door and what a sight! Our entire front yard was covered with plastic forks, knives, and spoons stuck into the ground. Every square inch was covered! I was so shocked because I had been in the house the entire time it was going on! Upon further inspection we found little homemade signs taped to the garage and our lamppost. The high school seniors graduated from Youth Group the week before and were unable to return. Since they had nothing to do with themselves on Tuesday nights, this is how some of the girls chose to pass the time. They also included signs of Jesus hugging Jason “JB and Jesus = Best Friends”. There was another sign featuring Jesus on a flowery hill. It said “Forking is a sign of love! Only fork with those you love!” (I've taken some pictures, but I can't find the cord thingy to put them in the computer. I'll get Jason to help me later.)

I secretly thought it was pretty hilarious and was enjoying the surprise, but Jason was NOT relishing the idea of cleaning it all up! By the next morning he had come around and also thought it was pretty funny. He knew his Mom HAD to have played a large role in this fiasco and he insisted she help with the cleanup and, she was glad to.

One thing I was a little worried about is what the neighbors would think since we only moved in a few months ago and in that time Jason had already dyed his hair hot pink as an incentive for the kids to raise money for 30 Hour Famine. He had to mow the lawn with that hair! We did hear from a few of the neighbors about the forking and the interpretations were so varied and interesting, I’m sort of scared to know what other people thought of.

One lady walking her dog the next morning simply said to me “Boy! Someone must love you!” I explained to her about my husband being a Youth Pastor and she just laughed.

Our next door neighbor was like “What the hell!? What kind of friends do that? That sucks man!” He said this as Jason was cleaning it up.

Now it gets really interesting. A sweet older lady from across the street came over to get a closer look. From a distance, she had thought they were little crosses like some of the displays by Catholic Churches to symbolize lives lost through abortion. Jason explained it wasn’t NEARLY so controversial or heavy, just silliness and fun.

Another woman walking her dog WEEKS after this happened stopped in front of our house to address us as we sat on the porch swing. She said “I was just wondering about the display in your yard a few weeks ago. I’m a writer and I’m always on the lookout for interesting stories, what did they represent?” We told her how it simply represented a group of silly girls with some silly Moms having a silly time at our expense.

Overall, it was really fun and entertaining. I have to learn not to care so much what other people think. We are who we are, we live how we live and I happen to be very happy! Jason’s job brings its challenges, but also lots of fun things that keep us young.

The girls told us we had to recycle the forks and pass it on. We politely declined and returned the plastic ware to them for “recycling”.

The Proverbs 31 Woman

2009-01-14T20:04:00.002-05:00

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.
– John 10:10

I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.

He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.

He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the LORD.
-Psalm 40: 1-3

These verses describe my life perfectly right now. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been - the freest, the most joyful, the most secure. We celebrated two milestones this year – my 30th birthday, and our 10th wedding anniversary. We greeted both with joy and thanksgiving. I love my husband. Our love is deeper and richer than ever. I respect him. I’m proud to be his wife. I miss him when we’re not together. Excuse the cheesiness, but I couldn’t be more sincere.

Now there is a verse (one among many) that does not describe my life:

She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
-Proverbs 31:25

I definitely have room to grow on the strength and dignity part, but it’s the second part that really escapes me. When I think about how wonderful my life is right now, it is always tagged with thoughts like, “not for long” and/or “something terrible is sure to happen any day now.” Now, I don’t believe these thoughts are entirely untrue, because bad stuff is always going to happen in this world. The death rate is still 100%. People I love are going to die, hopefully not tragically, but anything is possible. All sorts of horrible things are possible – house fires, violent crime, sickness, etc.

While bad things eventually happen in everyone’s life, surely it can’t be good to worry about it in advance. And of course I worry about worst case scenario. It’s like I’m trying to brace myself, so that something can’t take me by surprise, or maybe by living out the scenario in my head, It’ll be easier to deal with when it comes. It can't be healthy to stress oneself out over imaginary trials. Yet, despite the realities of this world, of which she is surely aware, the Proverbs 31 woman laughs at the days to come.

The Proverbs 31 woman is pretty sweet. If you've never read about her before, you should check it out (Proverbs 31:10-31) I used to feel condemned when I read about her, about how I could never measure up. Romans 8:1 says: Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. So I don't have to feel that way. She may not have been a real woman, but rather a portrait of the ideal woman, someone to emulate. I was reading the notes in my NIV Study Bible about the Proverbs 31 woman and I loved what it had to say. I’ll end this post with the authors notes:

Proverbs has a lot to say about women. How fitting that the book ends with a picture of a woman of strong character, great wisdom, many skills, and great compassion. Some people have the mistaken idea that the ideal woman in the Bible is retiring, servile, and entirely domestic. Not so! This woman is an excellent wife and mother. She is also a manufacturer, importer, manager, realtor, farmer, seamstress, upholsterer, and merchant. Her strength and dignity do not come from her amazing achievements, however. They are a result of her reverence for God. In our society where physical appearance counts for so much, it may surprise us to realize that her appearance is never mentioned. Her attractiveness comes entirely from her character.

Fondue Night - The Meat & Vegetable Course

2009-01-04T15:06:00.002-05:00

Turns out the cheese fondue recipe was from recipezaar.com in case you want to check out the original post.

The following recipe was found at: http://anabolicminds.com/forum/recipes/43401-fat-free-fondue.html

Of course I added in my little notes and advice. I'm going to put a little asterisk by each dipper that I used personally. The Bouillon recipe is followed by recipes for sauces to serve with the meat. The Green Goddess sauce/dip is especially good with the veggies and is my favorite. I made all of the sauces the night before for better flavor and less work the day of.

Be careful with the raw meat and make sure it only touches the raw meat plate and your skewer which is then dipped in the simmering liquid until it is cooked through. No pink chicken please.

Court Bouillon Fondue

Tastes identical to the court bouillon at Melting Pot. After making the bouillon, transfer it to a fondue pot or saucepan on a hot plate. Then, over medium heat, add skewers of lean meats (chicken, pork, lean beefsteak, etc.) and cook until done. Delicious!

Enough for 10-12 people (I made the whole recipe for my party of 6 and refrigerated the rest for lunch the next day, worked out great!)

Fondue Ingredients:
2 medium carrots
2 stalks celery
1 medium onion
1 - 2 cup dry white wine ( I used a cheap bottle ($5.99 on sale) of Pinot Grigio)
2 lemon slices
1 bay leaf
3 whole black peppers

Suggested Dippers (cut all into large bite size pieces):

Meat:

boneless skinless chicken breasts *
pork tenderloin marinated in teriyaki sauce*
raw peeled deveined shrimp* (I bought it frozen and deveined, I thawed overnight and peeled them before serving)
salmon
filet mignon
lobster tail
duck breast
teriyaki marinated sirloin

Vegetables (these do not need skewers - just toss them in and retrieve with a slotted spoon after a few minutes):

Mushrooms*
Red Potatoes*
Yellow Squash*
Zuchinni

Other:

Pot Stickers
Ravioli

Directions:
1. Slice carrots, celery, and onion.

2. In a 4-quart dutch oven, combine vegetables, wine, lemon, bay leaf, peppers, 8 cups water, and 2 teaspoons salt.

3.Bring to a boil. Reduce Heat. Cover and simmer for 30 minutes.

4. Strain broth through sieve and use for fondue.

(Store unused broth in the fridge for up to 3 days, or in the freezer up to 6 months.)

SAUCES

I used a bottled barbecue sauce that was great. I'm sure there are many bottled sauces that would be tasty.

Yogurt Curry Sauce
1 cup plain yogurt
3 Tablespoons mayonnaise
3 teaspoons curry powder

mix and store in the fridge for a few hours - overnight if possible. This sauce was a big hit at my party. I love it on the chicken.

Green Goddess

Makes 12 servings
Preparation time: 10 minutes, plus
1 to 2 hours to cool
Cooking time: 2-4 minutes
8 ounces cream cheese, cut into slices
1/2 cup milk
1/4 cup sour cream
2 tablespoons finely chopped onion
2 tablespoons finely chopped parsley
2 tablespoons finely sliced chives
In a microwave-safe container, microwave cream cheese and milk for 2 to 4 minutes, whisking after each minute, until cream cheese melts and mixture is smooth. Stir in sour cream, onion, parsley and chives. Refrigerate until cold, overnight to let flavors develop if possible. Leftovers would make a great dip for pretzels, chips and/or carrots.

For my party I did not have fresh parsley or chives. I had some green onion, so I cut up enough green onion to cover all of the onion and chives (4 Tablespoons total). I used dried parsley - generally a good rule of thumb is to use 1/3 of the amount when substituting dry for fresh. Ideally I will have all of these ingredients on hand next time, but it was pretty darn good even with the substitutions.

Fondue Night - The Cheese Course

2009-01-03T15:14:00.004-05:00

Last night Jason and I hosted a few friends for a fondue night. Jason and I had made the cheese course, and chocolate course before with great success. I had never made the meat course, court bouillon style is our favorite, so I decided to invite some company and see what happened. I don't think it could've gone any better or that the food could've tasted any better. Jason and I go to the Melting Pot every year for our anniversary, and I honestly don't know if we'll need to go back, because the food tasted every bit as good for half the price, although it was a bit of work.

I use an individual hot plate and sauce pans for my fondue, because it's easier to control the heat, and I can switch out the pans with ease. I picked up a set of skewers at Goodwill a few months ago. I don't know how they got separated from their fondue pot, but it was nowhere in site, so I didn't feel bad swiping them - well it felt like a steal at $2 for 11 skewers. I picked up 6 more from the Pampered Chef outlet. So we were good to go.

I did all sorts of web searches to find just the right recipes. After testing them out, I'm ready to share. Let's start with the cheese! I believe this recipe was posted on a message board, sorry I didn't save the link and don't know if I could find it again. I edited it a bit to give more precise measurements and instructions:

Cheddar Cheese Fondue

(Courtesy of the Melting Pot)

a very simple fondue recipe shared by the melting pot on an early morning talk show!

Serves 2 (double and triple as needed)

Fondue:

4 ounces beer (I used cheap Miller Lite - tasted fabulous)

1 teaspoon chopped garlic

4 oz. cheddar cheese

1 Tablespoon Corn Starch

Five turns of pepper

3 shakes mustard powder

3-4 shakes Worcestershire sauce

Dippers:

any sort of yummy bread

celery

apples

whatever else sounds good

Directions:
In a small saucepan (for 2 servings)

start with 4 oz of base beer over medium heat

add garlic

add 3 shakes of mustard powder and stir

mix cheese with 1 Tablespoon of corn starch

add small amount of cheddar cheese mixture to pan

mix thoroughly (using figure eight motion until cheese is melted)

keep adding cheese until it reaches desired consistency – like ooey gooey melted cheesy goodness

add five turns of pepper grinder

add three to four shakes of Worcestershire sauce and stir

serve in fondue pot, or saucepan over hot plate on low

dip to your heart's (and stomach's) delight

Crab and Swiss Quiche

2008-11-15T12:30:00.001-05:00

This has been a regular dinner for us since 2002. I found it on AllRecipes.com where it was submitted by Debra Slaughter. It only takes 5 minutes to put together and then about 50 minutes in the oven. Anyone can do it! There are so many possible variations including using real crab or different cheeses. I have added fresh chives or green onions and/or fresh or dried dill. I actually added in 5 oz. of thawed chopped frozen spinach and he ate it and said he didn’t even taste the spinach!! This dish is also great warmed up for leftovers.

2 eggs lightly beaten
½ c. milk
½ c. mayonnaise
1 tsp. cornstarch
8 oz. imitation crab
1 ½ c. shredded Swiss cheese
1 (9 inch) unbaked pie crust (I use the pre-made refrigerated kind)

Preheat oven to 350
In a medium bowl, mix together eggs, milk, mayonnaise and cornstarch.
Mix in the imitation crab and Swiss cheese and pour into pie shell.
Bake in preheated oven until it’s set in the middle or very close to being set if you can because it will continue to cook a little after you take it out.
Let it rest 10-15 minutes before slicing if you have the time. The pieces will come out cleaner and….well, it won’t be so HOT!

Chicken Crescents

2008-11-15T12:12:00.001-05:00

These were in a cookbook from our church in Knoxville. I made a few changes and do them a little different from time to time based on what ingredients I have on hand. We eat these for dinner, but I think they would also make a good appetizer if you made them smaller. I think they would be great with spinach, mushrooms, or broccoli added in.

3 oz. cream cheese, softened

2 cups cooked chicken, cubed

Salt & pepper to taste

2 T green onions, chopped

3T melted butter

1T Mayonnaise

2 cans refrigerated crescent rolls

½ c. Croutons, crushed

Handful of shredded cheese

Preheat oven to 350.
Blend cream cheese, 2T of the melted butter
Add all ingredients except chicken and croutons; mix well
Add chicken and 1 ½ T crushed croutons.
Separate each can of crescents into four rectangles.
Place about ½ c. mixture into each rectangle.
Pull the four corners of the crescents to the middle over mixture and squeeze together
Brush filled crescents with melted butter, and top with croutons.
Bake at 350 for 25-30 minutes on cookie sheet.

From Providence Forks & Friends Cookbook

Submitted by Kathy Kruse

Chicken and Dumplings

2008-11-12T14:13:00.002-05:00

About two years ago we got satellite TV for the first time in our married life. Even better is the DVR!!! We always just had the old rabbit ears system, with a timer set on our VCR for our favorite shows. Wow! I will never watch TV again without my DVR! I could go on and on, but that's another post.

What I want to tell you about is FOOD NETWORK!! I LOVE it! I never understood how people could watch it so much, but now I'm a believer. It has revolutionized the way I cook. I have learned so many techniques, how to cook with different ingredients, healthy recipes and just a passion for cooking. I started to get more creative in feeding my palate challenged hubby (formerly unfairly labeled as "picky eater") and our recipe folder for "regulars" has multiplied by at least 200%. I've even gotten to the point where I don't always measure everything exactly and I'm learning how to better season my food and taste as I go. It's so fun!

I've been wanting to share some of the best recipes I've found (allrecipes.com and foodnetwork.com are my favorite sources) and old family favorites. The following is a family favorite from my Mom that I've tweaked according to my new found knowledge:

Chicken & Dumplings

This recipe is more of a concept than a stick to it recipe. These measurements will turn out well, but you can use different cuts of chicken, different quantities of chicken and/or dumplings, soup, all according to your tastes and what you like the best and what you want to have the most leftover. You might want more gravy if you’re serving it over noodles for example. Jason likes the chicken in decent size chunks. I like it smaller – chopped or shredded almost. One time I sautéed some onion, celery, and carrots in a bit of oil and then simmered it in the skillet with a bit of chicken broth. I pureed this mixture in a blender and added it to the pot. It added a nice bit of flavor and hopefully nutrition and Jason didn’t mind it at all. If it he was not eating, I would add chunks of vegetables. He also likes occasionally to crunch up some cheddar sun chips or Doritos and put them on top.

I usually serve with Mashed Potatoes or Egg noodles, and then hopefully some other vegetables.

3 T olive oil.
1 - 2 lbs. boneless skinless chicken breasts cut into whatever size pieces you’d like – or boneless skinless tenders
Paprika to taste
Pepper to taste
1 can cream of mushroom
2 cans cream of chicken or 1 family size can
low sodium chicken broth & water to cover chicken by an inch or so for boiling.
Bisquick and milk for dumplings ( you can add some chives if you like)
Fresh or dried parsley to sprinkle over the top. (optional)

Coat the bottom of a large soup pan with the oil and allow it to heat up to medium high.
Season chicken with pepper and paprika and then brown chicken in the oil (I don’t use salt because there is so much in the canned soups). Do not cook it all the way through as it will get completely cooked later in the stew.
Add chicken broth and water. Cover. Let boil on Medium High until chicken is no longer pink in middle.
Add the soup. Return to boil Reduce to medium heat!!!! and cover. Be careful of having the heat too high as it will burn on the bottom of the pan and/or it will boil over.
Mix up dumpling batter (measurements are on side of bisquick box. I just add mix and milk together until it’s the right consistency, a little thinner than biscuit dough).
Drop large spoonfuls (2-3TBS. for each spoon) of dumplings into boiling liquid.
Mix gently, trying not to break up the dumplings. When they get a little more cooked I give them a light dunk into the boiling liquid, maybe gently flip them over.
Let simmer about 10-15 minutes.
Sprinkle on parsley and serve it up.

The Britney Song

2008-11-08T19:58:00.004-05:00

I haven’t checked a celebrity gossip site in many months, maybe even a year. I do click on the occasional headline on MSN.com, my start page at work. This keeps me informed of the big stuff, but I’m not wasting my time with photos of celebrities getting their morning coffee, or constant baby bump watches. I knew I was cured of my addiction when I saw that Gwen Stefani had had another baby, and I didn’t even know she was pregnant.

So what brought about this change? Several things – going from a part time job to full time left me with less web surfing time and it just wasn’t worth the time anymore. That’s the practical answer, but the heart answer is this – Britney Spears. Her meltdown broke my heart. Until then, I had never seen the footage of paparazzi surrounding people and cars to get those shots, I had only seen the resulting photos. This footage made me sick. No wonder she runs over people’s feet! How could she not? And no wonder she was completely losing it! I had to separate myself from the whole situation. I have prayed and prayed for Britney. I know I’m not the only one.

Bebo Norman was so kind as to put his feelings about it into words, and it’s like he read my mind as well. If you get a chance, check out his new song Britney (lyrics below). Here’s what he had to say about the inspiration behind the song:

I was up late, couldn’t sleep, watching some news channel, when yet another story about Britney Spears came on. My first instinct was to scoff and write it off, but then there was this freeze-frame shot of a look on her face of utter and absolute despair and confusion and brokenness—a look that I recognized. And I remember thinking “This girl is a child of God.” Suddenly, I saw her story not as something to mock, but as a real-life tragedy that is desperate for redemption and hope—a story not so different from any of our stories. Take away all the lights and cameras, and it’s really just a narrative of a girl so clearly in need of love, so clearly in need of the redeeming love of our God.

And suddenly, all I wanted to do was just apologize, over and over. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry...on behalf of this fallen world, on behalf of our consumerism that so consistently devours what it wants and leaves the remnants in the wake of the search for the next fix, on behalf of believers, like myself, who mock and hurl stones rather than scribbling a message in the sand.

"Britney"

Britney, I'm sorry for the lies we told
We took you into our arms, then left you cold
Britney, I'm sorry for this cruel, cruel world
We sell the beauty but destroy the girl

Britney, I'm sorry for your broken heart
We stood aside and watched you fall apart
I'm sorry we told you fame would fill you up
And money moves the man, so drink the cup

(chorus)
I know loves goes around the world, we know
And you never see it coming back
But I can see it coming back for you
It's coming back for you

Britney, I'm sorry for the stones we throw
We tear you down just so we can watch the show
Britney, I'm sorry for the words we say
We point the finger as you fall from grace

(chorus)

Britney, I do believe that love has come
Here for the broken, here for the ones like us

repeat chorus

Random Song in My Head

2008-10-09T16:10:00.003-05:00

My mind really likes to get ahold of something and obsess over it. Many times it's a song. Sometimes I can get rid of it but listening to different songs, but sometimes it comes back. GRRR! It can really drive me crazy! Even a good song can get old when you hear it for the millionth time in your head, but an annoying song? For example, I was preparing dinner and was being tormented by If You're Happy and You Know It. How did that even get in there? I certainly didn't hear it anywhere that I know of.

I told Jason to please help get the song out and he said, "You don't EVEN want to know what I have in my head! Let me get some music playing to snap us out of it, then I'll tell you what's in my head and we'll see which is worse."

O.K. Deal!

He turned on O Happy Day which was so very pleasant and I wouldn't mind having it in my head for awhile.

As for the song he had warned me of: Butterfly Kisses!!! NOOOOO!!! Definitely worse! Poor guy!

(All apologies to those who love and enjoy that song, but I've just heard it so many times, I just can't take it! It's so sappy! Maybe I can like it again in 10 years or so.)

Kudos to Cloris Leachman

2008-10-07T19:42:00.001-05:00

Cloris Leachman has toned down her act, and I've actually enjoyed watching her the last two weeks, and I'm not terribly disappointed that she'll be back next week. Although she is the worst dancer and needs to go home soon. I hope I can move like that when I'm in my 80's.

Dancing with the Stars: Season 7

2008-09-28T12:58:00.002-05:00

Yay! It’s back! Mom and I are back in our regular routine of Dancing with the Stars viewing. Here’s what we, or at least I, think of this year’s contestants so far:

Jeff Ross:

It was a relief to see him go. Probably for him and his partner as well, although I feel bad for Edyta who has been on the show every season, but despite her immense talent, has not been able to claim the mirror ball trophy. Also, I can’t believe out of all the comedians on the show this is the first time we heard the “ball room” joke.

Ted McGinley:

Who? Revenge of the Nerds, Married with Children? A trip to IMDB.com shows me he’s been working since then, but I doubt most people know who he is. I’m sure he’s a great guy and all, but just didn’t have the fan base to carry him through. His dancing was rough as well.

Toni Braxton:

So great! Beautiful, talented, a natural. She has potential to go far this season. She can really move those hips! How great is her most successful song Unbreak My Heart? It’s a singer’s dream, so dramatic, such a range. It’s a sing in the shower and car kind of song, but NEVER in public. If you sing this song at Karaoke, it’s going to be embarrassing and uncomfortable for all involved, unless you’re Toni Braxton.

Brooke Burke:

So she’s like a swimsuit model with big fake boobs, but she seems like a sweet, doting mother. Is it possible that swimsuit models are people too? It was SO funny when her partner Derek was trying to explain that their chests were not supposed to touch when in a formal ballroom dance hold, yet he kept feeling her “boobies” touching his chest. She said that may be the first time someone asked her to keep her “boobies” off of them. Haha! I guess that rules out Dolly Parton as a future contestant!

Lance Bass:

It’s funny to me when former boy banders, ice skaters etc. try to pooh pooh their OBVIOUS dance experience advantage over the other contestants. He says he was the worst dancer in N’Sync and faked his way through most of the dancing. I think Joey Fatone said the same thing. I’m not buying it, but I gave up on the show caring about fairness over ratings a long time ago, so whatever. He’s cute as can be and did a fantastic job right out of the gate. I also love his dance partner who is new to the show. I’m probably looking forward to seeing them dance more than any other couple.

Cloris Leachman:

It is rare that you will hear a bold, opinionated statement on my blog or even from me in person, because I hate debating, confrontation, people making a grey issue a black and white issue etc. It’s just not worth it to me unless it’s a “safe” person I’m talking to. I pick my battles VERY carefully. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say I CAN’T STAND when it’s this woman’s time to dance. She’s obviously too old, 82, and can’t begin to compete. I would have more sympathy for her if she was charming and graceful, but she’s obnoxious. I’ll steal a page from Simon Cowell’s book and say she’s like a dreadful child who is misbehaving, yet everyone laughs at her and encourages her. If I could vote against a contestant, I would use all of my votes against her. I’m so disappointed that she made it past the first week. Until she’s gone I will be fast forwarding every bit of her video, dancing, interviews etc. I’ve never loved my DVR more!

Cody Linley:

The youngest contestant, paired up with the youngest dancer and just so cute. He’s dancing well. I just don’t have much to say about him. I look forward to seeing him progress.

Misty May – Treanor:

She has really surprised me with how graceful she is and how she can move those hips! You wouldn’t think she could with her athletic build. She could probably beat many men at arm wrestling. Girl is a beast! She is also paired up with one of my favorite professionals – Maksim, the “bad boy of the ballroom”.

Rocco DiSpirito:

I love me some chefs, but I really just watch the food network, and he’s not there, so I don’t know anything about him. Still he wins points for being a chef and he's easy on the eyes. He did terrible the first night and fantastic the second night. He keeps making jokes about how much he’s not a dancer and should be chopping something right about now. I hope he doesn’t defeat himself.

Maurice Greene:

How fun is he? He is just a-smilin and a-groovin! Such a pleasure to watch! He has a fantastic partner – two-time champion Cheryl Burke. I think he’ll be sticking around for several weeks.

Warren Sapp:

I have this image in my head of Warren Sapp fending off a lineman with one arm, while using his free arm to grab Marshall Faulk, lift him off the ground, and slam him to the ground. It was like King Kong or something. Marshall’s feet were still running in the air. Crazy! I really didn’t like Warren Sapp and saw him as a big, mean bully. It’s amusing to see him on the dance floor. He moves amazing well and is so light on his feet. He says he’s a safety trapped in a 300 pound body. I’m interested to see if he loses weight, as most people do on the show. The jury’s still out on whether he’s still a big, mean bully.

Susan Lucci:

Speaking of contestants losing weight, Carrie Ann told Susan Lucci she needs to GAIN weight. Thank you! She’s got this little teenage body with these little stick legs poking out from under her dress. She looks like she could topple over if a large gust of wind came through. Her first Latin dance was o.k. Needs some work. A little stiff. Her first Ballroom dance was great! Poise and elegance! We’ll see if she can learn to move those hips. Soap opera stars usually stick around for awhile. They have an incredibly loyal fan base.

Kim Kardashian:

I don’t know much about her. She’s a rich, party girl socialite from what I understand. Her butt is famous or something. It was brave of her to come out and dance to Sir Mix-a-Lot’s song Baby Got Back, but she really struggled through it. Does it surprise anyone else how often we hear this song used in pop culture? Am I the only one that finds it offensive and inappropriate ? I personally find it inappropriate for myself, although as a young teen I memorized every word and watched the video a thousand times. I would like to thank the video store clerk who refused to sell me the Sir Mix-a-Lot CD when I was a teen, due to the Parental Advisory Warning sticker. THANK YOU for protecting my ears, heart, brain, wallet from any more trash than I already have with the lyrics to that stupid song in my head. There I go with my strong opinions again.

And that’s everyone. This show just brings Mom and I so much joy! Check it out if you never have. I hope to write more about the show later in the season. We’ll see.

Yes, I'm Alive and Well

2008-09-27T08:11:00.001-05:00

So, I haven’t updated since BEFORE my surgery. Technically everything went smooth, but It was a little more traumatic than I expected. I went into it with expectations of it being pretty easy. People kept telling me how lucky I was that it was laparoscopic, and I could go home that day, it’s the most common surgery, and all of that is true. For some reason, I took all those facts to mean it wouldn’t be uncomfortable or difficult. I was surprised by the pain in getting up and down the first few days of recovery. I really wish the Dr. or nurses would’ve painted a detailed picture for me of what recovery might be like.

One of the things that disturbed me the most was how I woke up and was rushed out of the hospital. Maybe it’s totally standard procedure and hopefully Mrs. Spock, my nurse friend, can chime in on this and let me know. I could NOT keep my eyes open, I was in and out, and I don’t remember much. They had to help me in every step of getting dressed, and I kind of wish Jason had been the one to help me. It’s funny how before the surgery they give you all of this privacy and when you’re half conscious it all goes out the window. I know they’ve seen it all before and even while I was getting the surgery, but I was knocked out ya know? I was VERY nauseous and so they taped gauze with peppermint scent onto my cheeks. I kept telling them I was still very nauseous as they guided me into a wheel chair. They gave me an alcohol wipe to smell. They wheeled me out to the car and gave me a plastic container to barf in. (Remember Wayne’s World? “If you’re gonna spew, spew in here.”) The drive home was terrible, but I managed to make it home where I had to immediately run to the bathroom to get sick. I proceeded to get sick three times more later that day. Is that normal? Couldn’t they have waited a little bit for me to be more awake and treat the nausea? The hospital didn’t seem busy or at all crowded. I don’t know how it all works, but for me it was a little traumatic.

Once I was past the painful first few days I LOVED having that time off work and doing some reading and TV watching. It was glorious!

About a week ago, I started noticing one of my incisions was getting infected, so I finally called the Dr. and he prescribed me some antibiotics and scheduled me to come in. I went to see him yesterday, and I hate to keep using the work traumatic, but see how you would feel. He said one of the sutures which should’ve dissolved had become infected instead. He scraped the scab off and started digging around with a pair of tweezers and scissors. He finally found the suture and yanked it out. OUCH!!!

Anyway, it should be all over now. Maybe my experience was typical, maybe not, but I’m just glad to be done with it.

Good Point

2008-08-24T18:32:00.000-05:00

I read an article in Today’s Christian Woman magazine about Gracie Rosenberger. She lost both of her legs in a terrible car accident. She now ministers to other amputees in America and abroad. She had this to say about hard times:

“I love how Psalm 23 is in motion. It doesn’t say, “Even though I sit through the valley of the shadow of death” (v.4). It says we walk through it.”

It’s so simple, yet profound to me. I think it’s sort of impossible to sit in the valley. Even if you try to sit, and I certainly have tried, you’re at least being forced through at about a snail’s pace just as life goes on around you. I’d much rather put in some effort to walk to the other side, rather than be pushed or dragged through. It’s just so stinking hard when the time comes.

All is Well

2008-08-21T17:59:00.002-05:00

The lesion/tumor on my liver is benign. Yay! He said I've probably had it since birth and will have it with me when I die. It should not cause me any problems.

Still got to get rid of the old gall bladder. They'll call me tomorrow with a date for surgery.

This waiting for a diagnosis, the scary lesion, mysterious pains, has not been as stressful as I would've imagined. It has shown me how far I've come as far as worry, anxiety etc. The reasonable voice of truth is reigning more and more in my head, while the pessimistic, emotional, worry-wart voice is way in the back trying to nag it's way through. It rarely broke through and was then squashed by faith, logic, and reason. I knew that no matter what happened God would be there with me.

The scariest parts were getting the CAT scans and my first IV. He was there. I was amazed at how many scriptures I could think of. I kept reciting in my head that He was my rock, redeemer, strong deliverer, my fortress, a shield about me, He will never leave me or forsake me etc. I sang through praise songs in my head. I prayed prayers of thanksgiving and requested wisdom for the Dr.'s and healing for me.

It all worked out. I'm a happy camper. Can't wait to get this thing out of me and feel better.

Thanks for all of your thoughts and prayers.

Another Day, Another Health Problem

2008-08-15T17:07:00.003-05:00

I certainly don’t have it anywhere near as bad as some people do. I don’t have a major illness that handicaps my life, except when my depression is in full swing (15 months depression free!! Woohoo!!). I just have all sorts of little annoying problems. Something is always malfunctioning. Lately it’s been chronic upset stomach and headaches.

I’ve had stomach problems off and on for several years. The occasional day long heartburn. I occasionally experienced nausea, and every once in a while woke up to vomit in the middle of the night. Sorry for being so graphic, just reporting the facts. These middle of the night attacks started to become more common and lately have been as much as once a week. I’ve tried to make the connection to something I was eating, or how much I was eating, but there wasn’t a pattern. I take Tums and Pepcid all day long. I started writing off all of the symptoms as stress related and was bummed about what a wuss I was. I would never call another person a wuss for being stressed out (especially with my kind of family dysfunction drama that's been going on), but you know how it is when relating to oneself.

Finally I was so miserable, I decided to hit up my Dr. for a diagnosis, certain that she would confirm my wussiness. Turns out she was concerned. She decided my symptoms sounded like gall stones, and the headaches were sinus problems and/or a brain tumor. Yeah, that’s all. She ordered a CAT scan and an ultrasound.

Brain tumor is pretty much a bad word in everyone’s mind, but it’s particularly nasty in my mind as my cousin died of a brain tumor when we were both in high school. We were a year apart, somewhat close. It is one of the hardest things I’ve ever lived through, not to mention the rest of my family, her parents! Turns out, my brain is free from tumors. Thank you GOD!

My gall bladder was not so lucky. The suspected stones are there and when I got the news I said YES!! I’m not a crazy stressed out hypochondriac! There really is something wrong, AND it’s something that can be fixed!! It’ll be my first surgery, if you don’t count wisdom teeth, which I don’t. That’s a little freaky, but over all I’m a happy girl.

I had my consultation with the surgeon on Tuesday. I was like “alright man, bring on the surgery! Let’s get this bad boy scheduled!”

The Dr. burst my bubble however when he said “Did they tell you, you have a lesion on your liver?”

Me: “What’s that?”

Dr.: “It’s a tumor, most likely benign.”

Me: “Crap!”

He is also puzzled by the pains I have on the left hand side of my abdomen directly under my ribs. The gall bladder and liver reside on the right side. He explained that they will do another CAT scan, this time on my abdomen and pelvic area. THEN I will come back to see him and THEN we can schedule surgery!

My CAT scan is scheduled for Monday morning. I am not super worried , because my internet research, usually not a good idea, has confirmed that it probably is benign. I am just eager to get all of this over with, to know when it’s all going to go down, and to start feeling better! I’ll keep you updated and let you know if I’m dying and whatnot. Just kidding! I’m going to be fine! We'll know more soon...

The Kroger Incident

2008-07-23T20:46:00.001-05:00

Kroger seemed awfully crowded, even for a Saturday. The lines were four people deep. Jason’s family was coming over for dinner that night, so I picked up a 2-liter of Diet Coke. After perusing the trashy magazine headlines (ANGELINA JOLIE EATS HER BABIES! – not really, but it wouldn’t surprise me to see such an outlandish headline) I reached the conveyor belt. I went to put the Diet Coke on the belt and it slipped and fell onto the floor. It EXPLODED! It was spinning around spewing it’s contents five to six feet in the air! I stood there in total shock while people ran and screamed. Yes, that is not an exaggeration. By the time I had the sense to get out of the direct line of the soda geyser it had done most of it’s damage. I was soaked from the waist down. The cashier said, “Don’t worry, it happens.” I mumbled that I was sorry. I was horrified and humiliated. She called for a clean up in aisle seven, she asked them to bring rolls of paper towels. She offered some to the guy in front of me, and offered to wipe down his food. She didn’t offer me a single paper towel. I didn’t make eye contact with anyone. I just paid for my groceries and headed to where Jason was waiting for me, parked in the fire lane as he ought not to, but does anyway. He was wondering what the heck happened to me, because I had called him 15 minutes ago to say I was getting in line and would be out in a jiffy. I said “there was an incident”. As if he couldn’t tell by looking at me! Of course as soon as I had to relay the story to someone else, I started cracking up. I think I’ll be hitting up Biggs for my groceries for a couple of weeks and hopefully my face will fade from the memories of the Kroger's staff!

My Tuesday Nights

2008-06-19T17:47:00.003-05:00

I've written before about how my Mom and I get together on Tuesday nights to watch Dancing With the Stars. When the show is over, we slack off and don't get together as often. Something really interesting has motivated us to keep on meeting.

It's a Bible study by one of my favorite singer/songwriters, Kelly Minter, led by one of my favorite Bible teachers Beth Moore!! It all takes place on Beth's blog: http://livingproofministries.blogspot.com/

I talked to Mama Duck in Knoxville, and found out she is doing the study with a neighbor. It occurred to me today, that I should ask more long distance friends and local friends. The women's small group Bible studies are participated in Knoxville were life changing and life sustaining for me. I couldn't have made it without them. I miss them. I also have a dear friend in Pensacola, FL.

The study only meets every other week. There is daily homework, but it doesn't take long - 15-20 minutes. Over 3,000 women have registered on the blog. There is at least one woman in each state and several women in other countries. The books have sold out at all of the stores, but Lifeway was generous enough to put the first week on the blog for free download until you get a book. Each week we have some common recipes that we can make or not for our groups. I made a Black Bean and Rice recipe out of the book that was AWESOME!!! I thought I didn't even like beans, but I tried it anyway and WOW! Mom felt the same way.

After the study every other Tuesday you can leave comments on the blog. The volume of comments is quite overwhelming. I thought it'd be more fun to get some ladies I know on board and we could email amongst our own group for a little more personal touch.

This past Tuesday was the first one, but if you download the first chapter you can get caught up, and even if you don't, you'll still get something out of it.

Mom and I would like to keep out Tuesday nights just the two of us, however let me know if you'd like to join us on the web!

Spiritual Growth part 3

2008-06-18T07:26:00.003-05:00

Read part 2 on the previous post first if you will. Thank you.

The truth is the Bible is full of grief and suffering, sometimes because of what life/Satan handed down, and other times because of one’s own sin. But, if God loves us so much, why doesn’t he stop it? If he forgives us, why doesn’t he remove the consequences? Tough stuff. Debated and meditated on since the beginning of time. I read a great book “God on Mute: Engaging the Silence of Unanswered Prayer” by by Pete Greig and Brian McLaren. It’s so hard to put into words what I learned. It really takes a whole book to explain, and I’m already writing so much. Basically, God could, but doesn’t interfere with the natural order of things as much as we’d like. That’s why we call them miracles when He does. Miracles are pretty darn rare. It certainly makes you appreciate them more.

Most of all, I learned and accepted, that most of the time, God is not going to interfere with another person’s free will. People therefore do horrible things to other people. To me, free will doesn’t seem like much of a gift, although people say it is. Yes, I’d rather be a robot, or like I already said a computer. I want perfection NOW, no room for error.

Which brings me to another point; there are so many questions that will be left unanswered in this world. We simply have to accept that we won’t understand some things until after this life. Things I thought I knew I didn’t. What I thought was the truth wasn’t always. There is a lot more grey and less black and white then I thought there was.

I think some of the promises in the Bible people like to claim for now, are actually more of a promise for heaven. Things will be perfect; there will be no pain and no tears. We will finally be healed of our physical ailments, as it rarely happens on earth, despite what some crappy, phony TV preachers might say or how many people they knock over.

So where does all of this leave me? Jaded. Bitter. Frustrated. Disappointed. On the cruise Jason and I commiserated together with all we’ve learned. We feel betrayed by the church (the entire body of Christ). We’ve blindly trusted teachings from pastors, authors and friends that didn’t always teach the truth. That was our own stupid fault. They thought they were teaching truth. We lived our lives by some things that hurt our marriage, others we tried to minister to and teach, and left us with unrealistic expectations of God. We decided we have been in the teenage years of our relationship with God. Rebellious and establishing our independence. Although in reality, we’ve been rebelling more against Christian culture and it’s teachings, than God himself.

In some ways, our fellow blogger Jon is correct. I just have always taken it wrong, and I don’t know how to live out that faith like a child. I’ve gotten better at it. It still seems when hard times come I fold. I don’t know how to process stress and grief in a healthy way. The “peace which transcends all understanding” I take for granted, is that guarantee of salvation. It cannot be underestimated. As Christians we do not grieve like others that have no hope. (1 Thessalonians 4:13) I cannot fathom how anyone copes with anything without believing in the One who does love us so much that he sacrificed his own son so we could be saved. Ultimately, I agree with some of what Jon has to say, and not so much on other things. God is in control. He will hold our hand. He does want what’s best for us. He does want us to have fun along the journey. We will be much better off if we obey and follow Him. I disagree that he will ALWAYS keep us from harm on this earth, but he will keep us from the ULTIMATE harm if we trust in Him.

I understand God more than I ever have, which means understanding I know so much less than I thought I did. Confusing sentence, hope it makes sense. I appreciate Him more. I understand and feel His love more. When we go through pain and grief he suffers with us, but perhaps not as much, because He sees the bigger picture. He knows that while He did not cause the pain, He will bring some good out of it. My 16 year old cousin died of a brain tumor when I was 17. Due to these circumstances, my Mom started seeking God and was saved. Ultimately, the rest of the family followed. She didn’t die, so we could be saved. She died as a result of the disease that is in this world. God used it for good.I cried out to Jason as we discussed all of this on the cruise. “UGH! I don’t know how to live knowing all that I know. I’m making this huge transition from the Christian idealism I’ve learned and into Christian reality. I need a book from God entitled How to Live by God.” OF course before the sentence was out of my mouth I realized DUH! That’s what the Bible is for!

I’m taking a hard look at the Bible like I never have before. Jason and I are doing it together. I’m going to question everything and try to erase my preconceived notions. It’s so simple in places and so complicated in others. Some things take on a whole new light if you understand the customs of that time and what was the specific audience it was written for. Some of the plain, simple, hit you in the face truths are just hard and even impossible to live out. I guess we just have to keep striving for holiness and we’ll keep getting better. Ultimate, perfect holiness will only be achieved in heaven.

I have so much more to say, so much more learned. It's hard to put it all into words. These things are bigger and deeper than my blog can hold. Since spiritual growth never stops in my life, I doubt it will stop on the blog. Eventually there will be a part 4, part 5, part 6......

Spiritual Growth part 2

2008-06-18T07:21:00.003-05:00

I seriously wrote my longest blog entry ever. I'll try and break it into two parts, although it doesn't have a great stopping point. It's already written, so you won't have to wait MONTHS for the next blog as usual. I'll post them both, and then you can read them when you can. They're both sort of rough drafts, because darnit if I edited everything it would never make it to you, because I'm such a perfectionist. Here we go:

I bet you thought you’d never see the follow up to part one, but here it is.

It’s really a simple, basic truth that pretty much everyone would agree with – except maybe a child. It’s the fact that bad things happen in this life. It happens to all people of all faiths of all races of all ages. Horrific, unbelievable tragedies occur. People do truly evil things that cause irreparable damage to other people. There is nothing you can do to prepare yourself. It will come as a total shock. It will rock your world and change your life, probably not for the better. You may be left scarred with pain that will follow you for the rest of your earthly life. Some people get hit with these things worse than others, but none of us are immune, and much of it is out of our control.

But, life is not all bad. Of course not! There are lots of wonderful things about this life and this world, but ultimately, it’s not our home. This world is screwed up.

Back to what I said about what a child might agree with. The Bible says in Luke 18:17 (and in Matthew 18:3, and Mark 10:15: "Truly I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child will not enter it at all." I’ve heard people interpret this as God wants us to have faith like a child, but this is the only verse I can find in the Bible that says something like that, and I don’t think that’s exactly what it means.

A quick internet search led me to a fellow blogger and his interpretation of faith like a child:

Jon is talking about walking around the neighborhood with his daughter when she was a toddler.

Yet as we crossed one street after another, she held my hand and knew deep in her heart that she was safe. She knew her father loved her and would always do what was best for her. She knew her father would protect her from all harm and guide her in the best way to go, every single time. All she had to do was hold his hand and do what he told her to do and she would have fun along the way, whether she knew where she was going or not!

That used to be me. That’s how I thought my life would be now that I had surrendered control to God and asked him to come in and be Lord of my life. Nothing bad could happen to me or those I love. Just hold his hand, have fun and no harm will come my way. That’s NOT what the message of the Bible and it’s not the way life is.

When hard times did come I felt betrayed by him, or I felt like I had done something wrong, but he wasn’t breaking any promises. Part of why I felt betrayed is because I thought this Bible verse:

And God's peace [shall be yours, that tranquil state of a soul assured of its salvation through Christ, and so fearing nothing from God and being content with its earthly lot of whatever sort that is, that peace] which transcends all understanding shall garrison and mount guard over your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. ~~Philippians 4:7

… guaranteed me an absence of pain. The verse above is from the Amplified Bible and the amplification of the word peace in this version is very helpful. It sounds nice, but I am so rarely content – don’t know how. I wish I was like a computer and I could press the content button, or run the content program. I wish it was like a recipe – put together these ingredients, in this order, using this technique and voila – you’re content!

Continued in part 3...

Exhaustion!

2008-05-29T19:33:00.002-05:00

I really wish you could hear/read the blog I keep in my head, well maybe not. I wish I could download it straight from my brain and then edit it before you can read it. I'd post a lot more if that were possible.

We got back from our cruise last Friday and it was WONDERFUL!! I hope to write more about it, but right now I need to vent.

Before I went on the cruise, I was having stomach pain on a daily basis. I've been eating Tums like candy and finally invested in some Pepcid, because the Tums weren't cutting it. I was also having memory and focus problems. I needed to see my doctor anyway for a regular check up, so I scheduled it for after the cruise.

Turns out, on the cruise my stomach didn't hurt once! The memory problems are harder to gage because I didn't have as much responsibility. My first day back at work, the stomach pain had returned. So, what's the culprit? Stress of course. Lately I've had more work to do that I have time to do. In order to get it all done, I'd have to work 50+ hours a week. Some of my co-workers do, but I'm just not willing to do that. I need to have a life outside of work! I love the organization I work for. I enjoy the work, but the volume is too much.

My Dr. agreed with my diagnosis, and she wishes she could write me a prescription to stay on a cruise for the rest of my life. If only! There are some promising changes coming up that could lighten my load. They've hired a high school student to work part time this summer and her first order of business is to do my filing. That's all kinds of awesome! We have one more big event before we're done with special events for the year. If things don't improve enough, I'll have to talk to the big cheeses about lightening my load. I'm not sure how that will go over.

NKOTB's Back. Alright!

2008-04-07T21:04:00.002-05:00

A week or two ago there was a “rumor” that New Kids on the Block were going to reunite. By the time I heard it, it was officially dismissed and I was like, “yeah right, how could anyone think that would be a good idea? The New Kids were great, but not as musically developed as some of the more recent boy bands. I have a feeling we’ll still be hearing some of those Backstreet Boys and N’Sync songs on the oldies station in our mature years. The New Kids’ music hasn’t stood the test of time so much. At least, they don’t play the songs that I ever hear. Of course, if I really wanted to hear them, I could dust off my old cassette tapes and give them a play. I pretty much have the recordings committed to memory and can just play it to myself in my brain.

To put it mildly, I was an obsessed New Kids fans. I was their biggest fan, of course and I vowed to be loving them forever. My room was wallpapered with posters. I had stacks of teen magazines and cut out pictures and articles and made my own scrapbooks. I knew each Kid’s age, birthday, astrological sign, shoe size, favorite food and more. I just knew if I ever got that chance to meet Donny, and he really got to know me, we would be married. The age difference wouldn’t matter to him, because I would be his one true love. I saw them in concert three times. My dedicated Mom even camped out overnight for tickets for one concert scoring with fourth row seats. I shrieked and screamed my way through the concerts like I was under attack. Why do young girls screech that high pitch scream for the objects of their affection? We watched their concert videos over and over again. I also have recordings of these in my brain to revisit when I desire. I still have my t-shirts, buttons, pillow case, collecting cards in storage.

I’ve examined this and tried to determine whether this obsession was a good thing, and I’ve decided it was. The New Kids’ were good, clean cut boys. They promoted good messages about not doing drugs, stay in school etc. I think it kept me out of trouble a little longer than I probably would’ve. I wanted them to be proud of me! It certainly would have been better to be obsessed about Bible study, fine literature, world history etc., but I was 11, so whatever! My home life was kind of crappy and it was a nice outlet. It gave me something positive to focus on.

Then NKOTB backlash became so intense and prevalent. I held on to my passion longer than most, but when Donny was arrested for setting a hotel on fire, or some such delinquency, I took the posters down and moved on. It was kind of a relief, because those of us who were hangin’ tough in the land of NKOTB fandom were becoming more and more the subject of ridicule.

So what do I think of the reunion? At first I thought it might be a tad pathetic. I know some of the guys have tried to strike out on their own with solo careers, with a little success. Donny has had some success in the movies, Danny producing music and John in real estate. Are they trying to rejuvenate their sagging careers? Are they broke? How did they all come to the agreement to reunite? They’ve recorded a new album. They wrote all of their own material. THAT should be interesting and completely different! What if it's even good?

They were on the TODAY show Friday. I tried to be mature about it, but they handed the mic to Donny and then it happened – I giggled! I had a little shiver go through me and I got really excited! I totally geeked out. It was so great to see those five guys standing together. I’ll definitely be following this story closely, to see if they still have the right stuff. (sorry for the silly jokes/song references. I can’t help myself. If I could've worked "Please Don't Go Girl" in there I would've). I must say, if I ever do get that chance to meet Donny, I'll have to tell him he's too late. I have found my absolutely, one true love and I wouldn't trade him for anyone!

Random thoughts and updates

2008-02-03T11:42:00.000-05:00

I wish I could yodel. I heard Brandy Carlise on 89.7 this morning and I love the way she uses that break in her voice. The song is "The Story". I came home and bought it from iTunes right away. I hope to have her full length cd someday. Is yodeling something you can learn? Know any good tutors?
My neighbor drives a hearse. We've walked around the neighborhood many times since our apartment is in the same neighborhood as our house. It doesn't bother me. I think it's kind of fun. He has a skeleton hanging from his mirror and a couple other fun decorations. His license plate says something hilarious, can't remember, I'll let you know. His hearse was looking pretty beat up and I hadn't see it for a few days. Today I saw a sleek, new hearse in it's place.
The house is coming along. We've put color on the walls - tan in the living room, green in the dining room, plum in the kitchen and black in the bathroom. It sounds weird, but it works. We decided to pull up the carpet and check out the wood floors. They were in fabulous condition. Jason has been hard at work this weekend giving them a light sanding and a coat of something or other. I can't wait to see them today. We'll be moving in in 2 weeks as long as we don't have a big snow storm that weekend. If not, we'll move the weekend after. Wanna help?
I've been realizing more and more how screwed up everyone is. EVERYONE! We are the scarred, walking wounded. I used to have such a self centered point of view thinking I was one of the only ones. It helps me have more compassion and grace for people. Everybody hurts...sometimes.....so hold on.....(sing along if you know it - my favorite music video of all time).
I need to read more and play music more. The only way I can figure to make this happen is watch less t.v. I LOVE t.v., especially now that a DVR is involved. Reading and making music are much more fulfilling. I'm not sure where to start. If only that pesky job didn't take up 40-50 hours a week! But....
I still like my job. I'm weird that I like data entry and filing. I like greeting people with a smile and "smiling" at them through the phone. I like serving my co-workers. I love when someone comes to me with a question or a favor and I can take care of it. December and January were so stinkin busy it's hindered me a bit and I'm behind on some stuff. I need to work late more often and take stuff home to get it all done. It's a good thing I believe in the organization and what we're doing.
I lost 10 pounds! Jason lost 45! Isn't it always that way? I shouldn't complain though because he did work hard for it and make positive changes in his life. My Dr. had a little talk with me, asking what she could do to help motivate me or educate me in the ways of losing weight and lowering my cholesterol. She's such a sweet lady, but I had to tell her, I know exactly what I need to do, but I don't do it. I know I'll probably get diabetes and have a heart attack and die young, but that still doesn't motivate me . I mean, my first weightwatchers meeting was in 5th grade. I've tried several plans and diets since them. I've been a member of 3 different gyms. I bought a treadmill, I bought a yoga mat, I bought one of them big balls, I subscribed to Shape magazine and read every issue cover to cover for 3 years. I lost 60 pounds and gained it back. I lost 20 pounds and gained it back. I seriously am not inspired at the moment. I don't know what it will take.
I haven't forgotten about spiritual growth part 2. It will come. Until then.....Love ya, take care, God bless.

Wisdom

2008-01-20T22:01:00.000-05:00

As a year has passed since the release of the book, I've seen more and more how, in my own life and in the lives of the Christians around me, we subscribe to false gospels that are troubling our souls. Because we live in a constant sales environment where we are told a certain car will make us sexy or a certain dishwashing detergent will be a miracle for our dishes, we assume the gospel of Jesus works the same way, that is, if we invest something, we get something more back. But this is not the case. To understand what the Bible explains Jesus' gospel to be, we must look to each other, to the way a father interacts with a child, a bride to a bridegroom, a doctor to a patient. When we let go of the idea of Jesus as a product and embrace Him as a being, our path to spiritual maturity begins.

~Donald Miller, speaking of his book In Search of God Knows What. I guess I should probably read it since this statement really connected with me. I have a few pages left in his wonderful book Blue Like Jazz. Check him out at www.bluelikejazz.com

Spiritual Growth part 1

2008-01-12T15:07:00.000-05:00

I've grown so much spiritually in the last few years. I haven't written much about it. I'm afraid to write much down, because one of biggest epiphanies to me has been that some things I was so sure of, were completely wrong. I've discovered that part of spiritual maturity is admitting there's not an answer for everything, everything is not black and white, and you could be completely wrong about some things. I don't think it would be right to then hold all of my beliefs and discoveries to myself. I know God can use me to speak to others about truth. Then again, I don't want to make some of the same mistakes by teaching people things and declaring things that lead to regret years down the road. I'm trying to figure out how to make sense of these things and find a balance.

A catalyst to some of this significant growth seemed to be leaving our home church in Knoxville to move to Cincinnati. This is ironic because the five years we lived in Knoxville, this church was the source of major spiritual growth for us. Our spiritual foundation was established there. The truth, unity and love that existed in the early years of that church seem to be a rare and beautiful thing. I wonder if it's ever possible to hang on to it for long in this world. Those people are my family as much as my biological family and sometimes in a much more functional way.

Getting some distance from the church gave us a clarity about some of the imperfections. I don't think it was explicitly taught, but somehow many of us were under the impression that our pastors were nearly perfect and every word that came out of their mouth was truth. They taught against that as a matter of fact, but so many of us had them on that pedestal. We felt that our church was the best, had figured out how to do the church thing right and could serve as a model for other churches. Every other church simply had something wrong with it. This made it hard for us to partner with other churches and ministries. Some of the things that were taught as absolute truth, seem to me now to be more of a matter of personal style, personality type and opinion. Some of these teachings about living a very disciplined life, combined with my issues of perfectionism and false guilt made a bad combo.

In our recent visits to Knoxville, we have found this precious church family spread out and using terms like "wounded" to describe how they felt leaving this church. The church continues to thrive numerically, but most of it's core family of founders, leaders and servants is scattered and hurting. I don't know what happened, but something is not right there and the leaders that remain refuse to confront it and admit it.

Since we've left, my spiritual life has been a mix of freedom and rebellion. I'm trying to figure out how to receive a steady diet of truth from scripture, but not if I'm doing it as a chore, out of obligation to some false accuser. I have more of that creative, free spirit, personality rather than the left brained, disciplined personality. God designed me that way, so there must be a way that I can live a holy, spiritually rich life with that personality still in tact. Waiting around until I'm in the mood to study my Bible hasn't worked well, just as it doesn't work well to cleaning my bathroom whenever I'm in the mood. Both of these things start out as a chore for me but have such rich rewards. The fact that I just compared cleaning the bathroom with reading my Bible shows how twisted things have become in my mind. The Bible is life changing and the benefits of reading it are permanent and eternal. The same passage can take on a whole new meaning on a different day, in the midst of different circumstances. It brings peace, change of heart and character. That's part of the incredible beauty of it. The Bible says it is live, active and sharper than any sword. The bathroom will just get dirty again.

I'm childish in the way I resist these good things and live for smaller, quicker gratification. There is much evidence for this in my life. I've already improved so much. I have to stay the course and keep learning and growing, but that dang perfectionism leaves me feeling so unsatisfied. This is the most general, summary of how I've grown and changed my perspective on things.

Seven months after moving to Cincinnati my whole world was rocked. I'll never be the same. I'll talk more about that in part 2.

Life Update

2007-12-31T14:24:00.000-05:00

I hope I will always look back on the Holiday Season of 2007 as the busiest I ever had. I do not wish to repeat such busyness or break that record another year. I worked many late hours. We had seven family events in eleven days! I wish some people would decide to celebrate Christmas in June or something. Despite that, it's been one of the most wonderful holiday seasons. I was so blessed to be a part of the church band as we "performed" the "Behold the Lamb of God" musical. Performed is not the best word because it was so worshipful, and musical is not the best word because it wasn't one in the traditional sense. It helped me focus on the message of Christ and his being born into this world to live a sinless life, take the punishment for our sins by dying on the cross, and then rising again to show his victory and power over death. It was incredibly moving.

Christmas was great. Jason got a used pair of drums that his brother no longer uses. I got tickets to see Dancing With the Stars when they come to Cincinnati on their tour. My Mother and Grandmother also got tickets. I was shocked and thrilled to receive this gift. At my in-laws house there was a pogo stick competition, due to the discovery of an old pogo stick in the basement. We watched Elf for the millionth time. I crack up every time 'Buddy' sings.

We closed on our house the 28th. I enjoyed meeting the sellers. It was an estate and the sons sold us the house. Their parents had the house built, and they were raised there. I wanted so much to ask them all about their parents and basically hear their life story. They emailed me the before pictures and wow! It was old people central. There was retro wallpaper in every room. The kitchen cabinets were hideous. I wouldn't have looked twice at this house if they had not stripped it of the wallpaper and painted everything. I'll post the pictures here when I have more time.

Today we ripped up all the carpet and were delighted to see that the hardwood floors are gorgeous! They are in wonderful condition. They won't need much work at all. I spent four hours on my hands and knees pulling out staples before I had to take a break. Everything aches except my face. Hopefully I can get out of bed tomorrow! I can really tell that I'll be 30 in six months! Members of my family and Jason's family are all helping out. August, my unofficially adopted little sister, is also helping out.

We'll be in Knoxville next weekend, and we will pick up some paint from the paint store we used to work at. We know they'll treat us right and give us a good discount. It'll be great to see them again. We'll visit with so many others. I can't wait!

Usually I read over my posts several times and edit and set up links, but I just don't have the energy or time. I apologize for any offensive typos and my lack of links. Happy New Year!!

Clash of the Choirs

2007-11-20T22:32:00.000-05:00

Last weekend I auditioned for a reality show. And, that is something I never thought I’d say. NBC is producing a show called “Clash of the Choirs” which will air in December. It’s a competition where singing celebrities build amateur choirs from their hometowns to compete for the title of “America’s Choir”. The winning celebrity will have $250,000 donated to the local charity of their choice. The organization I work for was in the running with Children’s Hospital to be Nick Lachey’s charity. I’m sad to say we didn’t get it. From what I hear, Children’s Hospital has lots of supporters and a billion dollar endowment but Nick Lachey has a family connection there. So what if we vented a little frustration by posting defaced pictures of Nick Lachey in the office. We’re not bitter or anything. We’re very disappointed but I will still support our hometown with my votes.

Practices are in Cincinnati and the show will be filmed live in New York City. I was drooling over that trip to New York City. I “was” drooling, past tense, so obviously I didn’t make it. I was bummed. I haven’t sung in a choir since high school (over 10 years ago!!). I love singing in a choir and I do miss it. Although, I’d rather keep singing in the band at church since I don’t have time to do both.

The audition was a fun, once in a lifetime experience. They were only taking the first 300 people that showed up at Walnut Hills High School. The doors opened at 9:00am. Jason and I didn’t know whether people would get there the night before and camp out, but we decided to take our chances and get there at 6:00am. We were fourth in line. We set up our lawn chairs and waited. It was fun to get to know some of the others in line. There were people of all ages, shapes, sizes, races and backgrounds. There were a lot more women than men. There was camaraderie between us and everyone was very friendly and encouraging. Channel 5 News was there doing some live interviews.

The nine page application had us specify five songs we'd like to sing. Several of us had chosen “O Holy Night”. The 20 year old singer/songwriter on one side of me sang “Killing Me Softly” and “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” in her raspy alto. On the other side The 40 year old choir director sang “I Can Only Imagine” and “Amazing Grace”. The gorgeous blond, first in line, sang “Silver Bells” and “Unbreak My Heart”. The last three pages of the application were a contract where you signed away your life to NBC. Seriously. By signing you agreed that they could use your image and distort it until it was unrecognizable. They made you agree that they could use any of your information, image, performance etc., now and forever in any media format ever created in the universe. They actually used the word UNIVERSE!

A lady in a chicken suit showed up. She was truly entertaining. She does singing telegrams for a living. She did an interesting rendition of Happy Birthday with clucks instead of a chorus. Of course, the cameras loved her. We did an impromptu Chicken Dance that might make the show, so tune in for that. She was an older woman and hoped to make a case for being the “choir mom”.

I was part of the first group of four. We entered a small classroom and stood in front of a table of three producers and a cameraman. One by one they asked us to sing a few bars of the song of our choice. Mine was “Broken Wing” by Martina McBride. I was shaking with nerves but still satisfied with my performance. The other three women also sang well. They asked two of the women to step in front of a music stand and sight read a line of music. I knew I hadn’t made it when I didn’t get instructed to do so. They took the beautiful black girl who sang “I Believe I Can Fly” with lots of runs and embellishments. It wasn’t very choir like and she hit a couple of sour notes, but it’s obvious she is very talented. While she went on to an interview, the rest of us were told they had all they needed. I wasn’t terribly disappointed. The choir is being narrowed down to the 20 best singers. I’m sure there are well more than 20 people in Cincinnati that can sing better than me. Since this is TV, I also suspect they were also looking for the youngest, best looking, talented Cincinnatians and that does not include me. I’m not trying to self depreciate, I’m just being realistic. It didn’t hurt my pride one bit. I felt bad for the other two women with me. The 20 year old singer/songwriter had been there since 1:00am waiting for her chance and I had seemed very confident that she was in. I’m pretty sure the beautiful blonde spent some time crying in the bathroom.

We just grabbed up our lawn chairs and said good bye to the chicken lady. We went to Santorini’s for some pancakes and goetta. I’m surprised that I had the courage to go through with it. I’m so glad that I can watch the show and not have to wonder what if….

The great news is the daughter of my co-worker DID make it! She is a vocal education major at Miami University. I am so thrilled for her!

I hope the show does well, but I have my doubts. I don't know how much of a market there is for choir singing. We will see a surge of unscripted, reality shows soon because of the writer's strike. I will be watching and voting.

We Got It!

2007-11-18T16:50:00.000-05:00

After much negotiation, we got the house! Now we just need it to pass inspection.

Offer

2007-11-16T19:03:00.001-05:00

We put an offer on the house yesterday. We hope to hear something tonight. Of course they'll reject our initial low offer. If it's meant to be it will all work out. Thanks for all the encouragement and support.

The House Search

2007-11-13T18:47:00.000-05:00

So we decided it would be best to put off purchasing a house until after the first of the year. Our apartment lease is up in February. We’d know what our income tax situation was. We could continue to save $500 a month and comfortably get whatever appliances were needed, buy paint, curtains etc. Then, I got an email notice that one of our favorite houses, in our absolutely favorite neighborhood went from $99,900 to $89,900! If only I hadn’t signed up for those email updates we wouldn’t be in this situation, but we might’ve lost our house.

Is it the right house? We’ve agonized over this. We love everything about it, except that the kitchen is small and there is outdated carpet upstairs. It’s all stuff we can live with. It has all of our essentials – a dishwasher, a covered porch for a swing, a dining room, space for an office, and a place to have small group Bible studies. It has new windows, newer roof and furnace, nice carpet, is clean, and is freshly painted. It is the best house in this price range in the right area. The problem is a few months and a few thousand dollars. Jason’s parents have generously given us an extension on the little bit of money we owe them. We may have to go a little bit into debt (besides the huge obvious debt), but only if something comes up like a major car repair or doctor bill. Other than that we will be close to even. We don’t feel like we can put this off. The house is an estate. They obviously want to move it, and fast.

This is one of the hugest decisions a person can make. We will be entering into a 30 year agreement! A mistake could cause a major ruckus in your life. I’m trying so hard to seek God and his will for us. I’m afraid that we started looking for a house too early, maybe out of greed or selfishness, and jumping the gun will bring dire consequences. Or, did God put it on our hearts to go ahead and start looking so that when the right house came about we’d be ready? I hope that because I am truly seeking him and wanting to make the best decision that he will give us clear direction. I know all to well how I can make up my own mind about what is best and then attribute my ideas to God. It’s hard to know what’s coming from one’s own selfish desires and what is coming from him.

The plan is to walk through the house again, this time with our parents, on Sunday. If no one can find anything major wrong, we will place on offer contingent on a house inspection. We need them to pay closing costs and the remainder of our lease. If they take our offer, and the house passes inspection, we’ve got it. If it’s not meant to be, a door will hopefully close along the way. Until then, I wish I could stop thinking about it! I’m stressing way too much!

Dancing With the Stars

2007-11-09T20:34:00.000-05:00

Do you watch it? I record it and then watch it every Tuesday night with my Mom at my place. Mom’s house is a little chaotic since my sister’s family is living there right now with their three young children. It’s hard for her to sit and enjoy a TV show without many interruptions and kids running around. I love to have her over to my peaceful apartment where she can relax and not think about all the things she has to do around the house.

She comes to my place directly after working 8-10 hours doing nails at the salon. I always have dinner ready and waiting. I can experiment and try new recipes on her since my picky husband is away at youth group on Tuesday nights. It feels good since she fed me wonderful home cooked meals my whole life and now I can treat her in that way. I took it for granted at the time and complained when she served roast and mashed potatoes AGAIN! Now I ask her to make me her wonderful roast and mashed potatoes each year for my birthday. If I was on death row, I would request it as my final meal.

After dinner, we settle in to watch the show. We raise our eyebrows and give each other looks when we see some of the skimpy costumes as they enter the dance floor. We have a running commentary, critiquing and praising the dances. We give them the scores we think they deserve and then predict the scores they will actually receive. Then we debate whether the judges are fair or if the whole thing is fixed. Since we don’t watch it the night it airs, we don’t have the benefit of voting, which is frustrating sometimes, especially when someone we like goes home. The benefit to watching it on Tuesdays is we don’t have to wait a day to see who gets voted off.

I don’t know what it is about these nights, but they’re magical. At the end of the night, I feel satisfied and refreshed. Mom hit the nail on the head when she said these nights are like therapy.

I hope the show goes on another 50 years! Although, if the outfits get any skimpier, they will be wearing nothing by 2015!

$$$$$

2007-10-30T21:06:00.000-05:00

Jason and I have been very blessed financially. By blessed, I mean God has always provided just enough for us. The sad thing is there’s rarely been a time when I didn’t stress about money anyway. I’m always afraid of things like major car repairs and doctor bills that could come along. I have to remind myself that when we didn’t have enough money to replace our junky car that died, someone gave us a truck. God has always provided. We’ve been able to avoid debt for the most part and always get the bills paid. We’ve never had much left over to save. It’s been good for me. We’ve learned to live simply and forego luxuries such as new cars, name brand clothes, and salon visits. Our home furniture and décor is mostly hand-me-downs and second hand finds.

My promotion in May has changed our situation. According to an article I read on MSN.com we’re on the lower end of the middle class. For the first time in our lives, we’re thinking about purchasing life insurance and contributing to my retirement plan. After four years of apartment living, we’re looking to buy a house again. We’re having so much fun searching the internet for houses. Unbelievably they pre-approved us for a $180,000 loan! That’s crack talk, as in, they’re on it! We can reasonably afford a $100,000 house while still saving a little. I’m so excited, I want to start packing! Ideally we will wait till after the first of the year to see what our tax situation will be and finish out our apartment lease. We will continue looking to get some ideas in the mean time. The market is in our favor and we should be able to get a great deal. Hopefully by next Christmas, I’ll have my tree and decorations out of storage for the first time in five years! I’ve really missed it.

We still plan on keeping our simple lifestyle. There are a few furniture items that are desperate for an upgrade, but I will find a bargain somewhere. I want so much to be a good steward of what God has given me. Is it more important that my house décor reflects the latest styles, or would that money be better donated to an international ministry that provides people with food and clean drinking water? It’s not wrong to decorate your house of course. It’s a great form of creative expression and helps make a house a home, but we live like kings compared to half the world, so I can sacrifice some style. I don’t technically NEED a single picture on a wall or curtains in the window, but I like these things. I don’t think that’s wrong, but I have food to eat and clean drinking water so it’s easy for me to say. It’s hard for me to know where to draw the line. My friend Scott has expressed similar dilemmas. I pray that God will give me wisdom and keep my greed in check. I don’t want to conform to the standards of the world but to live in a way as to honor Him. I want to use my home for ministry such as hosting small group Bible studies or to be a safe haven for some of Jason’s high school students when they need a place to come and talk. My heart just aches for holiness in these areas. My flesh wants HGTV to give me a home makeover. What is the correct balance? I don't usually as for comments, but I would LOVE your opinions on this one.

Life Update

2007-10-17T18:56:00.000-05:00

I've been feeling so good since mid-May. I’ve been depression free and so, so grateful. I can honestly say that depression has made me a more thankful person, because “normal” life and “normal” moods are heavenly compared to depression. I say to Jason, “Woohoo! Look at me! I have the energy to cook dinner and clean the kitchen!”

I feel like I’ve been learning and growing a lot. God’s been teaching me things, and they’re not all things I can put into words yet. I’m still on the verge of figuring some of it out. It’s mulling around in my brain. One theme that’s been persistent is that God will never leave me or forsake me. He promises us that. It’s only recently sunk in for me. One of my biggest struggles with depression is feeling abandoned by God when I need him the most. I’m holding on to His promise that what I FEEL isn’t what is true. I haven’t had the opportunity to practice this bit of faith yet but I pray I will rely on Him when I’m in the valley again.

He’s also been teaching me a lot about who He is through Scripture. I’ve been saying these Scriptural prayers in the back of my Get Out of That Pit book and I’m learning so much. For the first time I’m really thinking about what it means for God to be my light, my salvation, my rock, my fortress, my shield, my strong deliverer, my strength and more. I’ve been taking to heart that with His help I can overcome great obstacles and have victory in my life. My faith is stronger than ever and I love Him more than ever.

I suspect all these things I’m learning are an answer to my prayer to deliver me from depression. I think it would be foolish to declare myself healed and say I’ll never be depressed again, but when it comes, I’ll be better prepared to keep it from going so far. I have little control over the brain chemical aspects but I can exercise my mind and body to help fight it. It is my prayer that I will not give into despair but fight to keep my head above water.

As far as the body goes, I once again reached my highest weight ever of 230. Sucky! I knew I was headed there based on the life I was living and I didn’t care. I just wanted to indulge all my food cravings and sit around watching TV and reading. Part of that came out of being depressed for 6 months straight. I was so discouraged last July when I lost 20 pounds over a year and then gained it all back in 3 months of being depressed. It made me never want to fight it again, since depression always comes back. This may sound weird but this recent time of indulgence was mostly guilt free and I feel like I broke through some barrier in my relationship with food by letting go of the guilt. I’m making positive changes and it feels different this time. I feel more empowered. I’ve lost 4 pounds in 3 weeks. My ultimate goal is 150 but my initial goal will be to get under 200. My husband has lost 25 pounds over the last 3 months which makes me so envious and angry. I obviously still have issues, but his healthier habits are encouraging me.

Wow! Did you read all that? Thanks for caring so much. I have more to write soon about our trip to see Weird Al in concert with backstage passes. I need to tell the story of our faithful blue truck which has been passed on to serve another. So check back for stories and pictures.

Love ya,

Jenn

Natural Bridge

2007-09-09T17:11:00.000-05:00

Jason and I spent Labor Day weekend in a cabin in the Natural Bridge/ Red River Gorge area with my Mom & Dad, my sister and her family . I never thought I would spend an entire weekend with my family and come away so satisfied and wanting more. If you could've seen my family 15 years ago, we were an absolute mess. A weekend together would've involved lots of fighting and some drunkenness. One by one and two by two God has called us to faith in Him and we've slowly been transformed. On Sunday morning, we held our own church service around the campfire. I brought my guitar and everyone picked out one of their favorite worship songs and we praised God together. We read from Mom's favorite devotional, The Daily Bread. We discussed and shared how God has been moving in our lives and what He's been teaching us. We shared favorite Bible verses and we prayed. My family is evidence that God is real and that He transforms lives.

More evidence of God is found in the beauty of His creation. I actually hiked the strenuous uphill trail to the natural bridge. I know I pushed my body close to it's limit. On the way back down, my legs started trembling and continued to tremble an hour and a half later, even after sitting for a while and eating. It was good for me and it was worth it. Check out the pictures:

My brother-in-law Levon and my nephew Brian at the start of the trail.

My sister actually did this trail while carrying baby Carly!!

Balanced Rock

My Dad made his own mini Balanced Rock

Jason and our niece Layla ventured off the trail to examine the mouth of a cave

Along the trail

Under the bridge

The narrow path up to the bridge

The reward is the view!

Check out Mom's wig free look. No more chemo for her. Doesn't she look great?

Levon and Brian are too close to the edge for anyone's comfort.

We're not as close to the edge as it looks!

Back at the cabin.
Layla said to me twice in the hot tub "This is the life! Isn't it Aunt Jen?"

I'm a big hot tub fan but the highlight of the weekend for me was the Sunday morning, campfire church service. THAT is the life!

Road Trip Continued...

2007-08-18T15:10:00.000-05:00

The Rock & Roll Hall of Fame & Museum was my favorite part of our weekend road trip. We visited it for the first time in 1997 and enjoyed it then. We’ve decided we’d like to go back every 5 years or so. Anyone who loves music should go although I wouldn’t bring children as there are some mature themes. I will avoid going on a Saturday in the future as it was quite crowded.

Let me get my one complaint out of the way and it’s a big one. You aren’t allowed to take pictures inside the museum. They say this is because

“Many of the artists who have generously loaned or donated artifacts to the Museum have stipulated that these items are not to be photographed or reproduced in any way.”

The more I think about this, the more I think it is bull. If Madonna is willing to put her cone shaped lingerie on display for all to see, does she really care if I have a picture of it? Isn’t it already well documented in photographs? If Pete Townsend cared so little for his guitar that he smashed it, does he really care if I snap a photo of the remaining pieces? I KNOW Jimi Hendrix doesn’t care if I take a photo of the Purple Haze lyrics he scratched out on a piece of scrap paper. If you don’t want your artifacts to be photographed, DON'T PUT THEM ON PUBLIC DISPLAY!!! Then again, I don’t exactly NEED a picture of a rare Beatles board game from the 1960’s. But I WANT a picture of the ZZ Top car. Whatever. There's probably photos of these things all over the web but their not my personal photographs, documenting my personal experience for my scrapbook. Grr!

The museum does a great job of telling the history of rock & roll and celebrating the present as well. I enjoyed seeing the artifacts but my favorite part was the films and interactive media. There was a great display about the history of MTV and the snippets of music videos brought back so many memories. The can’t miss attraction was a film that went through all of the inductees from 1986 to 2007. The film featured photographs & film clips along with a snippet of a song for each artist. I was overwhelmed by how much good music is out there. There’s some that I’ve never heard but I know I could love. There’s some that I know I love but do not own. I wanted to run out and buy some serious music. I entertained the thought of purchasing at least one song from each artist on iTunes. Of course I already have music from some of the artists like Led Zeppelin, The Doors, Stevie Wonder, Hank Williams, Roy Orbison, Queen and The Who but I’m sadly lacking some major artists such as the Beatles, U2, R.E.M., Aretha Franklin, Bob Dylan, Tom Petty, Elvis etc. Some of these must be worked into the budget. I will also need a bigger iPod.

There were special displays on The Warped Tour, The Clash & The Doors. The Doors are a favorite of Jason and I so that exhibit played a role in bringing us there. I left feeling so sad that Jim Morrison died so young. It would’ve been so interesting to see him mature and grow, both as a musician and a man.

The gift shop was really nice. Jason splurged on a t-shirt that lists every inductee on the back. They actually had some pricey rare collector items for sale such as a few strands of Paul McCartney’s hair and an original Yellow Submarine toy. We cannot recommend the cafeteria. It was overpriced and the food was poor quality.

The positives far outweighed the negatives and it’s a quality, unique place to visit. I'll definitely go again.

Hanging out, taking pictures OUTSIDE the museum. A variety of arsty guitars were on every corner in downtown Cleveland.

My Personal Football Story

2007-08-13T20:43:00.000-05:00

I grew up watching my parents watch the Bengals. I watched a little, but didn’t really understand it. Although I do have a perfectly preserved replay in my memory of Tim Krumrie’s leg breaking in the Super Bowl. That traumatized me. When we moved to Knoxville, we were newly married in a new town where we knew no one. It was early in football season, 1998, the year the Tennessee Vols went undefeated and won the National Championship. The weekend we moved down was the big victory over Florida. We lived on campus, so it was easy to get swept into the team spirit. We watched college and NFL together each weekend and Jason taught me all about it. I treasured those hours together. At the time, the Bengals sucked so they got little TV coverage in Knoxville. I never had much affection for the Titans but in 1999 I became enthralled by “The Greatest Show on Turf”. I loved the Cinderella story of Kurt Warner. When I found out we shared the same faith it endeared him to me even more. We even bought his autobiography. By the end of it I just wanted to meet him and his wife for pizza and hang out. Of course things have been downhill for him lately and I kept hoping for a great comeback but it looks like he’s done. I don’t know if he’s done as far as his skills but he isn’t going to receive any more chances to make the big plays. I don’t watch the Rams much anymore now that Kurt’s gone. Some people would say that makes me a fair-weather fan and maybe it does but I think I was just a Kurt Warner fan.

Despite my love for football, I still don’t have the passion or knack for it like my husband does. I know he’s glad to have some men to discuss it with and now that we have Direct TV and he has many sports channels, well he’s just in heaven. Try as I might, I still can’t keep track of who’s in the AFC or the NFC, or who’s in what division. I do know the Bengals division at least. I don’t remember plays from 3 years ago like Jason does. It’s all I can do to keep track of the ball from the quarterback to the receiver but I don’t have the ability to watch the whole field and see someone getting held. I still need some things explained to me, like a random rule or a game strategy. I don’t recognize field formations. So, I'm not a superfan but I love it anyway. Jason bought me The Mom's Pocket Guide to Football and it's helped.

Two weeks ago, Jason and I took two days off of work and took a road trip to Canton and Cleveland, OH, our destinations being The Football Hall of Fame and the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame.

I definitely don’t have a good grasp on NFL history, so the Football Hall of Fame was more for Jason than for me. It was interesting to see some of the older jersey’s and helmets. They had great little highlight films like one about fantastic finishes that won the game in the last seconds. There were lots of game balls, which, if you’ve seen one football, you’ve seen them all in my opinion. I guess I should be thrilled that that’s the one so and so caught in the end zone to win the game.

They had a display of each team with their list of inductees and some memorabilia from those players. I learned that the Bengals only had one player inducted so far. I was proud to see Anthony Munoz’s jersey representin’. He holds a special place in my heart. He’s just a great guy and a great player. His son plays for my beloved Vols and came to speak at our church for a youth group event. Classy stuff.

The actual Hall was a creepy room full of heads.

I thought the museum was great and I would recommend it, especially for diehard fans and older fans who know more of the history. It didn’t hold my attention as long as it did Jason’s but I still enjoyed it. Next stop…..Rock & Roll baby!

Am I Too Grown Up?

2007-08-09T17:37:00.000-05:00

Did you ever go to one of those pools where they had adult swim? The lifeguard would blow the whistle and all the kids would groan. It seemed to be the most unjust thing in the world. Jason said at his community pool there would always be one old lady in there floating along doing the backstroke. The kids would lurk around the edges and maybe be bold enough to dip a foot in. I just remember thinking that adults didn’t know how to use a pool. They didn’t look like they were having fun at all.

So now I’m all grown up and adult swim seems like a great idea. I float along and do the backstroke, well not really, but I’ll do swim laps or something equally boring. I had the occasion to swim with some young college age ………I want to call them kids but that’s not fair……young college age people last weekend. They knew how to use a pool. They didn’t just lie on a raft and soak up the son. They jumped in the pool and on the rafts. They turned over anyone that was resting on one. They pushed the rafts up and down to turn the pool into a wave pool. They tackled each other and wrestled each other. They shrieked and laughed and had an absolute blast. I just tried to stay out of their way. It brought back feelings I haven’t felt in a while. I remember playing the same way. Part of me wanted to join in, but the bigger part of me didn’t. It would've definitely been out of character and they would've been pretty shocked.

I do envy my husband who is able to connect with my nieces and nephews in ways that I can’t. He gets down on their level and plays with them. They wrestle and tickle. They use their imaginations and play games. He’s the same way with his youth group. I mean, the man plays in a dodge ball league! But when he needs to, he can transition from play mode to mature, responsible mode in a minute. He knows when to be goofy and wild and play but through his counseling, service and ministry the kids know he is someone who cares and someone they can count on.

I forget how to play. How does that happen? When did it happen? I’m not 100% sure that it's a bad thing. Is it because I’m afraid of looking foolish? I think that's part of it. I still have fun but in different ways. I rarely have the kind of fun that leads to squealing laughter. Am I missing out? I’m happy with my life, so maybe not. Will those college students catch up to me with my boring maturity?

Anagram

2007-08-04T11:42:00.000-05:00

This site is fun. You type in your name and it gives you anagrams for your name. For example my name scrambled comes out:

Ninjas Bereft
Barf Nine Jest
Jab Fine Rents
Nabs Finer Jet
Jeans Bit Fern

Update: OOPS! I forgot to tell you the site. It's http://wordsmith.org/anagram/

2007-08-02T21:08:00.000-05:00

The word “bridge” does not occur in the Bible. There may be two reasons. One is that God doesn’t build bridges, he divides seas. The other is that usually his people must pass through the deadly currents of suffering and death, not simply ride over them. “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you” (Isaiah 43:2). They may drown you. But I will be with you in life and death.

~ John Piper

Harry Potter Festival

2007-07-24T18:41:00.000-05:00

I LOVE the Harry Potter books. I saw the first movie and I was hooked although the books are SOOOO much better than the movies. In anticipation of the last book coming out on July 21st I retraced my steps and read the first 6 books over again. I'm now about 200 pages in and please whatever you do - don't tell me what happens!!

Friday night I drove up to Wilmington, OH (about 1 hour north on I-71) for a Harry Potter Festival put on by HP-Ohio. It was well worth the trip! My friends August and Sarah rode with me and I met my friend Dana and her friend Annette at the festival.

There were a ton of people there, wizard and muggle alike. It was a thrill to see the elaborate costumes people came up with. They had look-a-like contests. There were about 18 Harry Potters in all shapes, ages and sizes. There were vendors selling wands, robes and even bumper stickers. They even had Honeydukes, the sweet shop in the books. Honeydukes had magic wands (pretzel sticks dipped in chocolate and sprinkles), dragon eggs (a gummy baby dragon surrounded by rice krispies, peanut butter and chocolate) and chocolate frogs. There were amazing life size replicas of thestrals (a skeletal, dragon - like, horse thingy that you can only see if you've seen death).

You could take Hogwarts classes such as Potions or Defense Against the Dark Arts. I missed the quidditch games so I'm left wondering how they play a game that involves flying around on a broomstick chasing enchanted flying balls. I also regret that I didn't get to see and hear much of the wizard rock. Yes, there are bands that sing nothing but songs about Harry Potter. The bands included Tom Riddle and Friends and The Whomping Willows. (Click on the links to get to their MySpace pages and hear them.) They recreated a favorite You Tube video from potterpuppetpals.com called The Mysterious Ticking Noise.

We didn't stick around for the arrival of the unicorn on Main Street and the books release at midnight. We all had books reserved somewhere else.

Without further ado here are some pics:

The Crowd

Annette, Harry and Dana
Hagrid and a mini Fluffy

Hagrid and an even smaller Fluffy

Dumbledore
Professor Sprout, Viktor Krum, Fleur, Bellatrix LeStrange, Voldemort
Harry Potter (Annette) and Draco Malfoy (Dana) fight for the Snitch

August, Sara, Tonks, Professor Sprout, Professor Trelawney, Professor Umbridge and Me.

Dobby, the house elf

Another Harry look-a-like

You'd be a sad little house elf too if you had to serve those ungrateful wizards and witches.
She's a Nibus 2000 (a magic broom)

Thestral

Sarah with Mad-Eye Moody

I was like "Hey Death Eater Dude, can I take a picture with you?" This may be the only time you see a Death Eater and a muggle posing so nicely for a picture.

It doesn't get much scarier than a dementor!

One of the moving pictures of the wizard world.
What in the world!!???
Nobody could figure this guy out. Someone suggested he must be in book 8.
Ooooh, Professor Snape shows off his Dark Mark.
The Sorting Hat and the Golden Snitch

And finally, drumroll please, the long-awaited final book!!! I'm off to read mine now!

iPod Intelligence

2007-07-18T18:10:00.000-05:00

A few weeks ago, Jason and I were dragging around on a Saturday afternoon. You know that middle part of the day when all of a sudden you feel like you can’t go on without a nap? We know from past experiences that these Saturday naps can easily turn into a 2 hour event and we had things we wanted to accomplish, so we decided to push through until the tiredness was gone. I tried to tackle some housework, starting with the kitchen. Jason hooked up the iPod to the speakers and put our 4,866 songs on shuffle. He turned it up loud and we got to work. The first song it chose was a song by Katy Hudson, a talented young singer, songwriter whose first and only album I adore. Unfortunately she hasn’t been heard from since and her web page has vanished. ANYWAY, the song is called “My Own Monster “ The chorus says:

“Hold me close, for I’m so tired of holding myself

So very tired, I’m tired, tired, I’m tired just hold me.”

Over and over she sang “tired, tired, I’m so tired.” I told Jason “This song is NOT waking me up, let’s skip it.” Jason skipped to the next song and the iPod randomly chose a song called “Wake Up” by Grammatrain. We cracked up! We also stayed awake and got a lot done.

We're All So Special!

2007-07-11T17:54:00.000-05:00

At work I ran across some quizzes the kids filled out. The quiz was mostly about drugs and drinking and why you shouldn’t do these things. The end of the quiz asked the child to list five reasons why they were special.

Most of the kids wrote things like:

“I’m special because I don’t do drugs.”

“I’m special because I don’t drink.”

One cute kid put:

“I’m special because my Mom loves me.”

But my favorite one was this:

“I’m special because I don’t capture people.”

Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy

2007-07-06T06:33:00.001-05:00

That's it! I'm so sick of all the negativity on my blog. We need some happy stories. Believe it or not, I'm a happy girl sometimes. I write the most when I'm down because it is healing. I will continue to write about that stuff but while I'm out of the depression fog, I need to celebrate the good things in life. Actually I should do the same when I'm depressed.

I continue to work on my new attitude. I finished the book Get Out of That Pit and then started a small group with a friend so I could study it again. We are 2 chapters in and already the group is getting close and personal with meaningful discussions. I forgot how much a women's small group can enrich my life. Women need each other. God designed us to help bear one anothers burdens. The best part is being able to share your heart and hearing others pray for you out loud. It is also a blessing to return the favor.

My new job is going great. I've been there since Memorial Day and I truly enjoy going to work. I enjoyed my previous job on location with the kids but even though I don't see their beautiful faces I know the work I'm doing supports them. Everyone has been so kind and welcoming to me. I'm still intimidated and a little nervous around the President, CEO lady but I think as long as I don't piss her off I'll be o.k. I was afraid of my supervisor but it turns out his big, gruff demeanor is nothing but a cover for a soft teddy bear man. It seems silly now that I was so afraid to work full time and be busy all day. Wow, I was trapped in some serious lies that made me think I was disabled. At the end of the work day, I'm a little worn out but I feel productive and somewhat satisfied. I know it's still early to declare victory but I am filled with hope and maybe even confidence that this was a positive life change.

I have 4 or 5 ideas for positive stories so check back. I have good intentions of getting them done in a timely fashion. Thanks, as always, for checking in and giving a crap. I love you too.

Family Tales of Woe

2007-06-27T19:40:00.000-05:00

Before I pour all this out, I must say my family is doing well despite the circumstances. Everyone is hangin in and hangin on. I know our faith gives us a lot of strength and comfort. Here's what's going on:

My Mom has breast cancer. She was diagnosed last fall. She found the lump herself and it was a good thing because it was an aggressive form of cancer. She had a lumpectomy and has been receiving radiation and chemo for the last 7 months. She just finished her last chemo treatment so her hair will start growing back in a few weeks - yay! Although, I must say, her wig looks fabulous and absolutely real. Mom tolerated the chemo really well. She was a little tired here and there and had a sensitive mouth with some sores but that's about it. She thought the decision was final that she would not have a mastectomy but now the Dr. wants to revisit that decision. Mom has had an extremely positive attitude throughout. Her prognosis has always been good. She has also had lots of support from our church family sending her cards, gifts and most of all praying for her. Mom said it hasn't been that hard, more of an inconvenience than anything. See what I mean about her attitude? You can see for yourself at her website. Check out her journal and sign her guest book. She loves getting comments. She was even brave enough to post a picture of herself bald with my niece wearing the wig.
Last month my Dad pulled up at my brother's high school graduation and suddenly lost his ability to speak and his mouth was sagging for a few minutes. My parents had to skip the graduation and rush to the hospital. He had a Transient Ischemic Attack. It's basically a "mini stroke" or a "warning stroke" that leaves no lasting damage. More than a third of people who have a TIA, have a stroke later. Sometimes it's a week later or years later. My Dad's only 48 so I'm really not ready for that. I guess no one ever is. An MRI and an MRA later they discovered that one of his carotid arteries is extremely narrow so blood is flowing too slowly too his brain. It's possible that he was born with the defect. I'm sure his smoking cigarettes since he was 10 has not helped. I don't know what it'll take to get him to stop. He started taking Plavix this week and is meeting with a neurologist July 6th.

And finally, there's my sister. She seems to be in very good health. Her trauma is that she had to leave her husband and take her 3 kids and move in with my Mom and Dad. I won't share the details that aren't mine to share but I will say that I support her decision 100%. Her 3 kids are 7, 2 1/2 and 6 months. She quit her job 6 months ago to stay home and raise the kids. Her husband can't afford to fully support them until he sells their house. My Mom and Dad don't have the funds to support them and it's too much to leave all 3 kids home with Mom and Dad so Tricia can go to work. Some thing's gonna have to give. It'll all work out somehow.

This stuff is kinda overwhelming. My parent's house is pretty chaotic but like I said, everyone seems to be doing well considering the circumstances. I'm not ready to lose my parents but I rest in the knowledge that this world is not all there is and that I will see them again some day. I sure will miss them here on earth. I know my sister's family is under God's watch and care and that He loves them more than I ever could, so I have to trust that He is working out his plans for them. It's hard to trust though. As for me, I'm partly at peace and partly numb, which means there's not much pain right now, so I'll be happy to take it. Deep breath.......It's going to be alright.

Too Good Not to Share

2007-06-01T19:55:00.000-05:00

This is my nephew Brian handing his Mom, my sister Tricia, a dandelion. Isn't it the sweetest thing?

Working Things Out

2007-05-27T14:18:00.000-05:00

Wow! I have so much to say and I hope I can make sense of it enough to communicate it. This post will probably be long as I try to get all of this out.

I've had some epiphanies lately that are growing me and challenging me. I guess the major one came on the cruise, which was wonderful by the way. Because it was a Christian music cruise it was more than a vacation. It was also a spiritual retreat. I don't think it was a specific song or something that was said but something started me down the road of thought. I had had two depressive episodes in a row. Both lasted over three months. I was still feeling low on the cruise and the music would just make me ache inside and cry out to God. All week I was begging God to heal me because the bipolar disorder makes me so miserable. I was absolutely desperate for a break through. It didn't come with a choir of angels but I did have a revelation. When I get to the depths of despair, I want to give up, to surrender, to quit life. I thought that since I haven't committed suicide I was o.k but the fact was I had quit living.

It's embarrassing to admit but I had surrendered to the despair. As I read the books about bipolar disorder I took it all to heart and identified with everything so closely. I began to look at myself as disabled. I tried to explain to everyone else that I was disabled and that they shouldn't expect much from me. I became fragile and fearful of any bit of stress that might trigger an episode. I attributed everything bad in my life to a physical, chemical imbalance and didn't take any responsibility for my own thoughts and actions. I had lost confidence in my talents. My faith was shaken. I had lost my vision. I had traded the truth for lies. I was defeated......but not yet destroyed.

Since the revelation on the cruise the lights keep coming on. Counseling helps. A book called "Get Out of That Pit" by Beth Moore has been a HUGE help. Of course God is the author of all the help. My mind is being renewed and transformed.

My newfound strength and renewed faith have been put to the test in several ways. I had decided that because of my disability I was only capable of working part time. This may be true for some people but the fact is I've worked full time in the past with bipolar disorder - it just wasn't diagnosed yet. Jason and I got health insurance through UPS. He quit last August and we've been on COBRA ever since. COBRA runs out in February so I've been a little panicked thinking we won't be able to afford insurance out of pocket and chances are the church won't have the money to give Jason benefits. I started praying for God to make a way. About a week later a job became open at work. It's full time with benefits in my area of expertise - administration. The first thing I did was delete the email and put it out of my mind. Ha! I was afraid. My boss asked me if I had considered it and told me he thought I'd be great at it. Really? Me? So I did think about it and I asked Jason and he thought it sounded like an answer to prayer and I could certainly do it and should go for it. Really? My Mom, my sister, my counselor, my co-workers all believed in me even though I didn't believe in myself. So I stepped out on faith and went for it. I decided to totally give it up to God and trust Him to know what's best for me and to have a plan for me. It is so hard for me to fully trust Him and lean upon Him but I did my best. I asked my church to pray for me. Out of more than 250 applicants I was chosen for the job. WOW! I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared. The lie I feed myself says that I will be so stressed out and overworked that I will be miserable and be pushed beyond my breaking point. That doesn't line up with the truth of what I've been able to endure in the past. I'm working hard on believing the truth.

If you are a person who prays, it would mean a lot if you would pray for me. I'm trying to change thought patterns I've engaged in my entire life. I'm trying to change a lifetime of behaviors and habits that bring me down. I am overwhelmed in the face of it. I need strength and I believe in the power of prayer. We pray and God does all the work and gets all the glory.

11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
Jeremiah 29:11-13

1 I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
3 He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the LORD.
Psalm 40:1-3

One Day, Two Musicals

2007-04-26T20:04:00.000-05:00

I love musicals. I get a warm, fuzzy feeling just thinking about The Sound of Music, Hello Dolly, Oklahoma, South Pacific, Cry Baby, Moulin Rouge, West Side Story, The Little Mermaid etc. The soundtracks have permanent residence in my brain. Jason thinks they’re pretty ridiculous. He just can’t get over the silliness of people breaking into a song and dance in the middle of the street and then all the town folk join in with synchronized choreography. Despite this aversion he did enjoy West Side Story and Moulin Rouge. He also starred in Oak Hills High School musicals as Jud in Oklahoma and Conrad Birdie in Bye Bye Birdie. I wish you could’ve seen him in his overalls or doing his best Elvis impersonation!

A couple months ago Jason was gone on a youth group retreat so I had a weekend to myself. I devoted part of Saturday to checking out two musicals I’ve heard so much about – Dreamgirls and High School Musical.

High School Musical…….sigh. I wanted to LOVE it. The movie and soundtrack spent weeks at the top of the sales charts. The soundtrack is pure pop genius. The kids at work watch it…..and watch it, and watch it, and watch it and I sing along under my breath. The story is atrocious. There, I said it. It was the fluffiest bit of cheese I’ve ever seen. I was so disappointed that this is the movie that kids are watching over and over again. There is no character development and the plot is just shallow.

I saw Dreamgirls alone in the theater and absolutely love it! The music was outstanding and the story was moving. At the end of Jennifer Hudson’s performance of And I’m Telling You I’m Not Going” it seemed as if the audience held their breath. I heard a few gasps as she hit the high notes with such urgent emotion. When the song was over, the audience applauded. I’ve never seen that happen in the middle of a movie before. I was impressed and surprised by Eddie Murphy’s heartwarming and entertaining performance. As soon as I got home I went to my computer and ordered my favorite songs from iTunes.

So there it is – one rant and one rave. Happy movie viewing!

Life Stuff

2007-04-19T19:38:00.000-05:00

I don't write as much as I'd like but it's o.k. I feel like my mood is lifting and the depression is fading. I'm worn out emotionally from it. I still have the symptom of a lack of passion for the things I usually love to do like singing and scrapbooking. My attitude is pretty sucky. I'm running low in the faith department. I just feel like I got beat up emotionally and spiritually for several months. Now that I'm feeling somewhat better and have more energy it's time to get some positive thinking going but I'm not there yet. Anyway, this is why I haven't written much because I don't have many positive things to say.

Jason and I will be leaving for a cruise to Jamaica in a few weeks. His parents and Grandmother gave it to us for Christmas. Jason's parents and a few couples from church are going. It's a Christian music cruise featuring some great artists such as Third Day, Kutless, Barlowgirl and my favorite Nicole C. Mullen. Hopefully the time will be relaxing and help me clear my mind a bit.

That's all I have, and life goes on.

Psalm 13

2007-03-18T11:59:00.001-05:00

Psalm 13

For the director of music. A psalm of David.

1 How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?

2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

3 Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;

4 my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.

6 I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me.

A Break

2007-03-01T10:16:00.000-05:00

I have felt much better yesterday and so far today. I'm not exactly singing but I'm not dragging around wishing I weren't alive. I can't count on it to last but I'm thankful for the break.

Grief

2007-02-27T21:50:00.000-05:00

I'm hurting. If you look at my life, my circumstances, there is no logical reason why. Grief. It came to me this week that that's what it feels like, the only word that helps describe what this pain is. So I ask myself, what have I lost? I've lost my joy, my peace, my passion. I've lost the spark that makes me me. I have no desire to sing, not even sing along to the radio. I am bitter and cynical. I feel trapped and hopeless. I have ZERO energy and all I can do is make it through another day. Life is a burden. I would rather not wake up to face another day yet I keep breathing. It feels like it will always be this way. More than likely I will begin to feel better in a few days, weeks or months but this hopelessness FEELS never ending. Nothing brings me pleasure. TV and food medicate me but nothing heals me. There is a heavy weight on my heart. I am enveloped by a dark cloud. There is nothing that can be said or done. Jason brings me some comfort but he can't rescue me.

It breaks my heart that God doesn't rescue me. I know I will praise Him again but right now I can't feel Him.

Down Home Cookin'

2007-01-22T19:46:00.000-05:00

My Dad’s family is from the hills of Kentucky, specifically an area knows as W-Hollow. They count famous author Jesse Stuart as one of many cousins, although as generations have passed our family hasn't kept in contact with any of the Stuart family. Jesse Stuart's mother was my great grandmother's sister. His books offer a window into what life was like for my kin folk back in the day as he mostly wrote stories set in the W-Hollow area.

The Jesse Stuart Foundation published a collection of recipes from the family in 1989. Most of the recipes sound normal and quite yummy but then there are some unusual entries that are too interesting not to share.

There’s the recipe for “Homebrew”. I can only guess the end result of this recipe is a type of beer but it’s this item on the list of ingredients that makes it interesting: 1 potato, raw and quartered, placed inside old sock (clean).

There’s “Stir Fried Pokeshoots and Fiddleheads” which are apparently some type of greens. There are recipes that use morels (a type of mushroom that grow in your yard), dandelions and Jerusalem artichokes (the root of a plant in the sunflower family that grow wild in North America). Those are probably pretty good actually.

You can learn how to fix a souse or a grouse, which are apparently types of birds. You can make “Country Style Squirrel” with just a couple of squirrels, flour, bacon grease and water. Maybe you’d prefer “Baked Coon”, “Rabbit Stew”, “Fried Turtle”, “Groundhog and Kraut” or “Possum and Sweet Potatoes”. It just depends what you have on hand. There are directions for skinning a groundhog just in case you‘re rusty. Oh and I can’t forget frog legs. The recipe says, “These are real good. Only the hind legs are eaten.” So now you know.

For dessert you can have some “Snow Ice Cream”, as long as you have 3 gallons of fresh light snow on hand. It sounds delicious.

So, just let me know if you’d like any of these recipes and I’ll get it to you faster than you can shoot your dinner.

We're Moving!

2007-01-16T21:53:00.000-05:00

February 1st is our official move in date. We're only moving about 2 blocks down the street to a 2 bedroom from our 1 bedroom. The 2nd bedroom will serve as an office and home to a new treadmill. We're also going to try to squeeze in my scrapbooking stuff. If this all fits we will be able to reclaim our living room. Probably the most exciting, delicious detail is that we will have a DISHWASHER!!!!! We had one in our house in Knoxville and I've missed it so. Sometimes when I think about my new one I do a happy, happy dishwasher song and dance. I'm sorry but this dance will NEVER be made public.

I can't wait til the moving part is over. I'm FREAKING out about packing and moving. I've been freaking for weeks even though Jason has kindly asked me to reserve it for the last few days if necessary because freaking out is sooooo helpful in stressful situations. I just see a potential for chaos and I do not know how to not freak out. It's what I do. I don't like it and I don't know how to control it so I predict more freaking in the future.

I think the part that stresses me the most is that I feel like I want to organize everything before we move so that I don't just move my mess to a new location. I'm overwhelmed by it and don't know where to put stuff which is why it's disorganized in the first place!

We have taken 3 carloads to Goodwill! Why did I have all this junk? Some of the stuff I moved up here from Knoxville and haven't touched it since! Every time I find an item I can part with, a delightful shiver goes through me. Why did I think I needed that!? See ya later ya piece of junk! Get OUT of my house! WOOHOO!

Deep down I know we have plenty of volunteer movers and packers and cleaners and it WILL get done, one way or another and I WILL survive it. 16 days and counting.....

Locks of Love: an Offering

2006-12-31T15:08:00.000-05:00

About 5 years ago I went to a Christian women's convention and one of the speakers was making jokes about bad hair days. She suggested that if God gave you good hair, you should get down on your knees and thank Him every day. She was joking but it really hit me. I'm always complaining and focusing on what i DON'T like about myself but I do have good hair, thick, strong, shiny, healthy, straight hair. I don't thank God EVERY day but whenever I get a compliment or think of it I tell Him thanks.

When I heard about Locks of Love I knew it would be a perfect way to show my thanks . From the organizations website:

Locks of Love is a public non-profit organization that provides hairpieces to financially disadvantaged children under age 18 suffering from long-term medical hair loss from any diagnosis. We meet a unique need for children by using donated hair to create the highest quality hair prosthetics. Most of the children helped by Locks of Love have lost their hair due to a medical condition called alopecia areata, which has no known cause or cure. The prostheses we provide help to restore their self-esteem and their confidence, enabling them to face the world and their peers.

By donating my hair to this organization I feel like I'm making an offering of thanks to God.

It had to be at least 10 inches in a ponytail.The honors of the big chop off went to my talented friend Cooper.

The finished product:

Into the bag:and into the mail:

quote

2006-12-12T09:43:00.000-05:00

"To bear each other’s burdens is to imitate a God who bears with us"
~ Dietrich Bonhoeffer in Life Together

Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens. Selah
~Psalm 68:19

28"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
~Matthew 11:28-30

Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.
~Galatians 6:2

My Favorite Movie

2006-12-03T22:22:00.000-05:00

It's a Wonderful Life. I first came upon this movie around my middle school years. It was on TV late at night when everyone else was in bed. I only caught the second half of it but I got the concept and it changed my life and laid the groundwork for my faith. I thought I was worthless and my life was meaningless. I felt unloved and completely unlovable and It would be better if I'd never been born. The movie proved me wrong. It changed the way I looked at humanity. Every life has a purpose. Every life is a necessary part of the story. If one person had not been born we would all suffer terrible consequences.

The movie also does a great job of communicating that there is a bigger picture that we can't see. It seems like all is lost. George Bailey thought he was going to prison, losing his family and losing everything he had fought so hard for because of something he didn't even do. It was unjust and it seemed as though the evil villain Mr. Potter was going to win. He despaired and he lost faith. He thought death was his only way out, but he was wrong. I guess I may have given too much away already. Have you not seen it? You MUST!

It reminds me of another story, a TRUE, real life story. Jesus was born into humble circumstances. He worked hard and affected many lives without any financial gain to show for it. He was falsely accused and faced the terrible punishment of a tortured death. It seemed as though the evil villain had won and the innocent Jesus would lose everything when he lost his life. He despaired in the garden asking for this cup to pass by him but he knew what he had to do and unlike George Bailey, it was Christ's destiny to die to fulfill the bigger purpose. His disciples abandoned him. His very own children whom he created and loved and was dying for mocked him and spit on him. But: Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

He rose again. He demonstrated his power over death and therefore over everything by coming back in physical bodily form. The resurrection is not just a Bible story. It is a historically documented fact. I think everyone owes it to themselves to look into this story, to study the man who claimed to be God and demonstrated it with many miracles. My favorite book on the subject is The Case for Christ by Lee Strobel.

God used It's a Wonderful Life to show me that I had value and purpose. When I was 18 I heard and understood the gospel for the first time. When I was 19, in a moment of desperation, I admitted I needed him and accepted the free gift of salvation he offered to me. When I was 20 I read The Case for Christ and my faith found a strong foundation in historical fact. Who is Jesus? I think it was C.S. Lewis that first said Jesus is either a liar, a lunatic or Lord. After examining the evidence and experiencing God first hand I do believe with all that I am that Jesus is Lord.

My recommendations:
If you haven't seen the movie - see it.
If you haven't read the book - read it.

Life Update

2006-10-28T15:31:00.000-05:00

I haven't updated for a while on my health issues. Sorry if I left anyone hangin'. I continued to struggle with crazy mood swings for a few more weeks into the first few days of October. There was lots of depression and some scary suicidal thoughts. Things have shaped up and I've been feeling pretty consistently "normal".

There have been some medication changes and it's hard to tell whether I just got better just because of time or because of meds. I'm guessing a little of both? We're still adding, subtracting and increasing dosages. I also found out my thyroid was low which can contribute to mood swings. This is a recent development because it's been tested at least one other time in the last three years so I can't blame everything on it but it was probably contributing to the mood stuff and weight gain.

I've gained back about 12 lbs of the 20 I lost. Wah! Seriously wah! Depression sucks! Exercise is close to impossible and food brings comfort. I'm back to old bad habits. I'm hoping the thyroid medication helps me get back on track. How can a girl maintain a decent wardrobe when she goes up and down, up and down!?

But, hey, I can't complain. I feel good. I'm getting some stuff done, like Christmas shopping. I need to be as prepared as possible for the holidays so the busyness doesn't drain me and trigger an episode. I've already been listening to Christmas music! I love it!

Thanks for reading. Thanks for caring. Love ya.
Jennifer

What God is Teaching Me

2006-10-19T19:37:00.000-05:00

Still
by Watermark
The more I get alone
The more I see I need to get alone more, more
Cause just when I think that I'm alone
Your Spirit calls out to me
And even silence has a song
Cause that's when you come
Sing over me

Still, let me be still
Let me be OK
With the quiet in my heart
Still, I want to be still
I'm so quick to move
Instead of listening to you
Shut my mouth
Crush my pride
Give me the tears
Of a broken life,
Still

Oh this world, it falls around me
And flutters all it's beauty in my eyes
But let me choose the solitude
Simplicity has always simply changed my life
Cause even stillness makes me move
Cause that's when my heart
Learns to dance with you

Still, let me be still
Let me be OK
With the quiet in my heart
Still, I want to be still
I'm so quick to move
Instead of listening to you
I'm your child
Tame my heart
Obedience
To me impart
Still

La la la la la, Hold me
La la la la la, Cleanse me
La la la la la, Change me, Oh God
Change me while I am
Still, let me be still
And know that you are God
And you are always enough
Still, I want to be still
To take all that I am
And simply lift it up

Shut my mouth
Crush my pride
Give me the tears
Of a broken life,
Still

A Spelling Bee Lesson in Faith

2006-10-06T19:45:00.000-05:00

Tuesday night we had a spelling bee at work. It was a few handfuls of kids from around the region that are involved in the organization.

None of our students placed but it was o.k. They did their best, and they studied hard so it’s all good right? Not for one sweet girl. She is 11 years old, quiet and shy, smart as can be and she knew every word on the list by heart. She misspelled her first word - behavior.

“I’m sorry, that’s incorrect” the MC said.

And we all clapped for her and she sat down next to me. She began to sob and cry uncontrollably. I put my arm around her and hugged her and rubbed her back. I assured her she did her best and we’re proud of her and not to be so hard on her self, but she couldn’t get over the fact that she freaked out and messed up when she KNEW that word! She was completely heartbroken and wept for a full hour. I’m talking about hard core weeping. She let me get her some tissues but that was it. I offered to take her to the bathroom, outside, to get her a drink or a snack. I tried to distract her with games on my cell phone. I held her I tried to reassure her, encourage her but she was inconsolable. My heart just ached for her. I couldn’t stop thinking about her all night and I prayed for her.

God hit me with an incredible truth today. Looking back, I can see traces of my mental illness throughout my life. When I became a Christian in 1998 I thought my troubles were over. Jesus never promised that so I don’t know where I got it. I think it was a combination of my previous pastors’ teaching, my home life growing up and my personality. To be honest I blame a lot of it on my pastors’ teaching and I need to work on my bitterness about that. They were repeating what they had been taught but it was ignorant and harmful. For years I was taught that my illness was a spiritual problem and a discipline problem. Depression was a result of lack of prayer, Bible reading and faith. A counselor wouldn’t love me and pills were a crutch when all I need is Jesus. So I set my alarm earlier so I could read and pray and felt guilty because even when I did the “right” thing I didn’t always have the “right” attitude. I strived and strived for perfection and beat myself up when I couldn’t come close. I was cloaked in guilt and fear and felt that God was terribly disappointed and disgusted with me. I suffered not only the physical illness but also the weight of feeling like it was self inflicted by sin. I have since learned to focus on these truths: It is by grace that we are saved. It’s God’s KINDNESS that leads us to repentance. He provided a perfect sacrifice to atone for our sin because we could never be perfect on our own because He loves us unconditionally.

Paul was one of the greatest men of faith of all time! He had a “thorn in his side”. We don’t know specifics but it’s very possible that it was a physical ailment of some sort. Three times Paul cried out to God and asked Him to take it from him. Paul himself had power, thru Jesus, to heal the lame, the blind, the deaf, and to cast out demons. Why didn’t God heal Paul? God’s response was “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

“Therefore,” said Paul, “I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

“The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” So the Lord was close to that little girl at the spelling bee. He allowed me to be His physical hands and feet as I held her and tried to minister to her. She didn’t let me do much but she let me hold her and get her tissues. I recognized today the picture that paints of the years I beat myself up and refused to accept God’s love but assumed His stern, harsh judgment. He held me. He rubbed my back. He loved me, He wanted to comfort me but I didn’t know how to recieve it. He never put all that pressure on me. He never shamed me. He was proud of me for trying my best. I was misled and misguided and that coupled with my diseased mind put me in a nasty state, but it comforts me to know a bit of how He must’ve felt. I love God more now than ever before. I hope and pray that the little girl can know and fully accept God’s love for her. I hope I get more opportunities to show her love.

A relationship with God means always growing, always learning, and it’s always an adventure. Here’s to the day when it’s finally over and I can go home to be with Him. Thank you Father for loving me just as I am and yet loving me enough to not let me stay that way. Amen.

2006-10-05T21:30:00.000-05:00

cartoon me.
now if i can figure out how to make it my profile picture...

I.K.P.

2006-10-03T10:43:00.000-05:00

Last night Jason and I noticed are car had been vandalized.

Someone scrawled in lipstick:
I.K.P.
bicthasshoe

I think it probably happened at work even though I don't remember making any kids mad yesterday. There has definitely been days when I made someone mad and expected a busted windshield or flat tires but not this time.

We've been racking our brains, trying to figure out what I.K.P could stand for.

Irate Kid Protesting?

Insane Kangaroo Posse?

Illegal Kissing Penguins?

I Kill Puppies?

At least I think I know what "bicthasshoe" means despite their poor spelling skills.
I wonder if anyone else at work had stuff written on their car? I'll find out. I'm just glad it came off with a little windex and didn't leave any permanent damage or cost me any money.

Any idea what I.K.P means?

Self Discovery

2006-09-16T16:37:00.000-05:00

Listening is rare. There are certain people to whom we feel we can talk because they have such a deep capacity for hearing, not just our words, but hearing us as a person. They enable us to communicate on a level we’ve never reached before. They enable us to be as we’ve never been before. We will never truly know ourselves unless we find people who can listen, who can enable us to emerge, to come out of ourselves, to discover who we are. We cannot discover ourselves by ourselves.

~Edward Farrell

I have been blessed to have a person or two like this in my life.

I've been doing alright. Thanks for everyone's encouraging messages and prayers. I'm back in counseling, which bleh, but it's good, but bleh. Growing and changing is a slow painful process. I do love my counselor, I've seen her before, but bleh and again bleh and yes it will be good for me. I think I'm trying to talk myself into it.

I went to a great women's retreat this weekend. As usual there were some very inspiring, moving things I learned and invevitably somebody always makes me mad. I'm pretty mentally exhausted after it. I'm ready to hit the couch and watch Tennesee beat Florida. Go Vols!

a little better

2006-09-07T22:11:00.000-05:00

This morning was rough.

I made myself go to work, wary of how it would be, afraid i'd have to leave. It actually seemed to help me. The routine of it helped me feel normal and the kids are like precious family to me. They can also cause me alot of stress but they were pretty good today. I love to pour out kindness on them. I noticed I was smiling, laughing even. I felt joy. What a relief. I am still alive inside. I have some fight left in me. I never knew a job could be such a blessing. It is a gift from God.

Isn't this crazy!? These last few weeks? It's not always this way....just when I'm going through an "episode". I need to study this disorder and understand it better. I have it and I have to accept it and deal. When I'm depressed reading about it is unbearable. When I feel o.k. I like to ignore it and pretend I'm all better as long as I take my pills. What a joke. If this is me on pills......

People want to know how to help me and I wish I knew. I want to be alone but it means alot to have encouraging phone messages and emails. Thank you for your prayers. They are working.

Even though I'm feeling better I can tell I'm still not quite right. I have weird random thoughts, mostly negative. I obsess. It's a weird feeling to know your brain is misfiring somewhere and you can't control some of those thoughts.

What will tomorrow be like? I have no freakin idea. I know I'm going to work. Scratch that. I know nothing. I have to take it moment by moment.

I came across a verse this morning that touched something deep inside. My heart burned. It's what I want.

She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.
~Proverbs 31:25

darkness

2006-09-06T19:31:00.000-05:00

where can i go to give up, to resign from this life?

my dr.'s tell me to reduce stress but right now every breath, every thought is stress and pain.

there is no relief.

i desperately want to die but please don't freak out because it's not the same as being suicidal. i just wish God would be merciful and take me out. i make jokes about it but i seriously wish for it.

i called in sick to work today. i feel like such a failure. i worry too much what others think of me.

i feel so alone but if you call me i probably won't answer the phone.

jason is taking care of me. if it weren't for him and God I would already be dead.

cautiously optimistic

2006-09-02T19:11:00.000-05:00

I woke up yesterday feeling close to normal - whatever that means. Moods have been pretty steady. It's weird how one day is horror, death and despair and the next day is o.k. It just goes to show that it's largely physical because no circumstances changed. Do I have to live like this or is there some magic pill that will fix me?

I did go to the Dr. on Thursday, nervous and desperate for help. It takes 30 minutes to get there. Jason went with me so he could help share his observations and be another pair of ears for me. We get there and the secretary has a big smile on her face "I tried to call you!" she said cheerfully.

"Um, why?"

"He's not here. He called in sick"

"But it took us half an hour to get here!?"

"I must have called right after you left" she said with unapologetic joy.

"Well, I need to reschedule because I'm not doing so good. Here's our cell phone number for future reference."

I was severely disappointed and frustrated. For some reason her cheerfulness grated on my nerves. I just wanted to guilt trip her like :
"Look lady I'm not sick enough to be admitted to the hospital and I'm not well enough to live my life so a little apologetic sympathy would be nice as you deliver the news that snatches away what little bit of hope I have!!" Dramatic I know but that's honestly how I felt.

Anyway, we're in Knoxville. I'm going to try to take it easy and not fill up the schedule with lots of visiting. The first UT game is today and it's fun to see all the cars with their UT flags and signs. Everyone's wearing orange. Excitement is high. GO VOLS!!!

I have no idea how the trip will affect my mental state. It could go either way or just stay the same. My new Dr. appointment is Tuesday morning. We'll be back to Cincy Monday night.

Another Dark Day

2006-08-30T19:57:00.000-05:00

Total meltdown today.

Hopeless, helpless.

despair, anger.

gotta go to work and act like everything is o.k.

stupid training meeting about stress relief.

stress is my disease and a bubble bath won't fix it.

i want to be free.

doctor appt. tomorrow. PLEASE GOD show him how to HELP ME!

Uggh!

2006-08-28T20:13:00.000-05:00

I thought I should update since I mentioned some of my bipolar struggles recently. The last few weeks and maybe even months have just been weird and exhausting. I feel like my moods are swinging pretty wildly, especially these last few days.

For example:
This morning I told Jason I wish I could just be institutionalized in a place where I could just read, watch TV, scrapbook and sleep until I die. No more responsibilities. All my meals would be provided and I would like visitors from time to time but mostly I wanted to retire from this sucky life.

I had training meetings all day at work today. At the beginning of the first session I felt like I was going to have an anxiety attack and have to leave.

By the end of the day, of boring training, I was energized and ready to come home and tackle some house work go out for tea and dessert with Jason and make some phone calls.

This is not normal!

Last night by the time I went to bed my mind was plagued with racing, discombobulated thoughts and a random song from the Grease soundtrack. My head ached, my body ached as it often does when I get stressed or depressed. Shut up brain!!

For the first time since being diagnosed, I’m MAD! I HATE this stupid disorder! I didn’t ask for it and I don’t want it! It’s screwing with my head and screwing with my life! I want to be me. I want to be strong instead of restricted. I don’t want to be crazy and I don’t want to be overmedicated. I want to be free. I wish I could extract this nasty thing from my body and drive a stake thru it’s heart.

At the very least I want a game plan from my disease:
“Excuse me bipolar, can you please tell me how you plan on affecting the rest of my life so I can plan and give a heads up to my family and friends?”

I know this is unrealistic and maybe it’s not even helpful but it’s how I feel lately. Isn’t anger part of the grieving process? I think that may be what I’m doing. I’m grieving the loss of a healthy mind and all it’s going to cost me. I did move up my next psychiatrist appointment to this Thursday morning. I honestly have no idea where to start or how to explain to him what I’m experiencing and what I need. I’m scared of changing meds and the side effects that could result. I’m probably more afraid that there is nothing that can help me. Maybe I need to go back to counseling. UGGH!

Please don't be too upset by what I've written. It's very real but it's going to be o.k. Some part of me knows that. As always I need prayers, especially that my mind will focus on truth rather than lies.

Malicious Blessings

2006-08-25T19:31:00.000-05:00

I love the south. I also love the north, west and east. They all have their distinct personalities and traits and I enjoy the diversity. The south holds a special place in my heart because of my family’s roots there and the time we spent living in Knoxville,TN.

One of my favorite southern things is the accents and dialect. There was a variety in Knoxville from the lite sweet southern belle accent to the thick country bumpkin accent that was hard for us city folk to understand. I didn’t realize how much I’d picked up the accent until a high school friend from Cincinnati pointed it out. I definitely started using southern expressions such as y’all but I drew the line at you’uns and we’uns. There is one sweet expression I liked but never said out loud because It always felt awkward and foreign on my tongue. “Well bless your/his/her/their heart(s)!” It’s kind, compassionate and sympathetic. It sounds better than “poor thing” or “how awful” but I met a group of women that ruined the phrase for me.

I sold Pampered Chef for several years and truly enjoyed it. I attended a national conference in Chicago with a group of ladies from Knoxville I had never met . The ladies I flew with were different than most of the women I was friends with. They had different priorities and values than I was used to and I felt small, young and out of place around them. I was definitely an outsider and no one made an effort to make me feel otherwise.

The running joke for the week with them became this: when someone says “bless their heart” they really mean “stupid idiot”. They thought this was absolutely HILARIOUS! I thought it was harsh and rude. I can’t deny that I’ve thought people were stupid idiots before (who hasn’t?), sometimes on a daily basis, but I know that God doesn’t see people that way and ideally I pray to see them as He sees them. It often takes lots of confession and prayer for help and processing time to come around to forgiveness and compassion but I have to try. Before I became a Christian I was unapologetically a snotty, malicious gossip. I can’t judge those ladies because that would make me a hypocrite.

We had an evening flight so they wanted to spend their last day in Chicago shopping. I like to browse but don’t usually have much money to spend. They were all about maxing out the credit cards on the hottest name brands. It was fascinating to watch. I finally found a board game I wanted to purchase at the F.A.O. Schwartz toy store but when I went to get my credit card it was missing, along with my license! I could’ve sworn I had them with me and was terrified that they were lost or stolen. I had a flight to catch that night and I couldn’t get on the plane without my license. I was just sick over it and couldn’t enjoy the rest of the day. I was in constant prayer “please God, please God, please God”

Now I never heard anyone say it but I knew they HAD to be snickering “bless her heart” behind my back every chance they got. I mean, it was the perfect opportunity. It fit in great with their running joke of the week. I was the poster child for their cruel joke. Now, they were clearly not my friends and probably never would be, but, I’m supersensitive and it hurt. Another gal and I took the subway back to the hotel earlier than anyone else. I quickly went thru my carry on and found my license and credit card. I was so, so ecstatic, relieved and thankful.

I feel sad for those ladies really. How can you trust any of them to be your true friend? This experience made me treasure my friends more than ever. A true friend is a rare and beautiful gift and I am blessed to have many. I hope those ladies experience the blessing of true friendship in their lives and that they can be a blessing to others. I can pray with all sincerity, may God bless them and their hearts.

Permission Requested to Say No

2006-08-17T17:52:00.000-05:00

God's been teaching me something lately and I think it applies to what I've been reading on some dear friends blogs here and here.

Sometimes I have to give myself permission to do or not do something and that simple act eliminates so much stress yet I'm still free to change my mind. That sentence is certainly confusing but it's hard for me to put into words.

For example: I've been stressing over my 10 year high school reunion for a couple of years. Yes, that's ridiculous. I didn't want to go unless I was thinner. Again, ridiculous. Now the reunion is upon me. It's scheduled for October 6 and the cost is $80 per couple!!!! Plus I'll need a dress!!! Besides, most of the time I see someone from high school at a store or restaurant I duck my head and hide. I finally had to give myself permission to not go and I feel so free. I could still change my mind, but the fact that I allowed my mind to decide not to go freed up some of the anxiety somehow.

A couple of high school friends have talked about having our own little get together and that just appeals to me so much more. We had over 600 people in our graduating class. I was a nasty, mean, boy-chasing, gossipy party girl in high school. Part of me feels obligated to go and share the testimony of what God's done in my life. I'm happier than I've ever been except for the fact that I'm obese and I fear that's all people will see. I know I will feel so paranoid, embarrassed and frumpy even though I shouldn't, I undoubtedly will. I haven't won that battle of the mind yet but it's getting better. In the mean time, I'd rather just be with people I know are my friends and I don't get to see them often enough. I'd rather work on getting to know those few lovely people better rather than be faced with a room of 600+ alumni and their dates all for the ridiculous price of $80!!!! Why have I felt like I ABSOLUTELY HAD to go!? Not anymore and it feels oh so good.

Now, I have given myself permission to NOT do the dishes and sit and watch tv with a cup of hot tea.

"self?"

"permission granted!"

When Headlines Hit Home

2006-08-10T21:12:00.000-05:00

Every day I check the website of our local news to see what, if anything has happened on the west side of Cincinnati that day. It’s where I grew up, where I live, where most of my friends and family live, where I go to church and where I work. Stories about Price Hill really stand out to me. I work in this neighborhood and it is a regular headline maker, usually for crime and violence. My heart is especially invested in this neighborhood because my heart is invested in the kids and families I work with. When I see that a child has been abused or killed my heart leaps into my throat as I click the link and hope it’s not someone I know. Isn’t that kind of twisted? If it’s one of “my” kids I will be devastated. If the child is a stranger to me I am still so sad but not as sad. I feel kind of guilty about that sometimes but I guess that’s the way it has to be. If I became devastated and grieved hard core over every case I would lose my mind.

I’ve worked at the club 2 ½ years and there have been 3 deaths that I know of. None of these children attended very regularly but I knew their faces and their names. 2 children died of cancer and 1 young boy made local headlines when he died after shooting himself in the eye with a bb gun. I probably knew him best. Sometimes I buy these magazines filled with word and number puzzles. Some of them are too hard for me and I told him that but he would spend an hour or so trying to figure some of them out. Most of the kids give up if they don’t get it in 5 minutes. He was a rowdy little boy but sweet. I can’t believe he’s gone.

The violence of this neighborhood touches all who live here. Many of the kids have t-shirts with photographs on them of friends and family members who have been killed. Rest in peace they say, we love you with a date of birth and date of death. Even without the t-shirts, the people in the headlines are often these children’s family and friends. Even if they don’t know the victim it may be someone they know who committed the crime.

Just last Sunday a 15 year old girl was spending the night at her friend's apartment. The next morning her boyfriend shot her in the head and killed her. I didn’t know this young girl but I'm sad for her and her family. I’m angered by the unnecessary loss of life. The article said she left behind an 8 year old sister.

Today a grandma came to the club with her granddaughters who are regulars there. They had a visitor with them today, a neighbor’s child, an 8 year old little girl who’s sister was killed on Sunday. A beautiful little girl standing in front of me, a headline come to life, a living, breathing human being with confusing and unbearable pain she will probably carry with her to some degree most of her life.

She is smiling and eating a blow pop sucker. She seems to be having a good time at our back to school carnival. My heart is heavy.

Joy Comes in the Morning

2006-08-09T15:13:00.000-05:00

I feel somewhat better day. It was the first good night of sleep I’ve had in a while so I’m sure that helped. I think writing out and sharing my struggles brought some perspective and healing. I don’t feel 100% and I don’t quite trust the good feeling to last but I’m optimistic that it might.

I will be off work the next two weeks as the organization shuts down for 2 weeks to do maintenance. I only have 2 days of paid vacation left so I won’t get paid for 7 of those days which sucks but I’m grateful for the time off. The break comes right as it seems that I might break so I couldn’t ask for better timing. I have lots of plans and projects for the next two weeks and I know that finishing them will give me a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment. I will be able to get together with those friends I’ve been wanting to see. I will catch up on some reading and movies. I will enjoy more time with my best friend, my husband.

The second week we are spending 3 nights at this beautiful Bed and Breakfast. Oh, yeah! Things are looking up!

Am I Depressed?

2006-08-08T16:03:00.000-05:00

That’s the question I’ve been struggling with. I’ve been feeling pretty weird lately. I feel like I’m in a fog, completely numb and resistant to coming out of it. I’ve been isolating myself and on a constant mission to comfort myself. I numb and comfort myself with food, TV, scrapbooking and reading. I feel like I’m dragging through the days. I’m doing a terrible job at returning phone calls and emails. I’m ignoring some of my responsibilities at work and home, putting them off until the last possible minute.

As I read what I just wrote I think the answer is yes, I’m depressed, again, DANGIT!! So far it’s mild and I’m hoping I can keep it that way. The above mentioned activities are coping mechanisms I use to keep myself from stress and anxiety. It’s been several months since I’ve been in this position and I desperately don’t’ want to get worse. I don’t have this bipolar thing completely figured out yet. Will I ever? I’m constantly trying to catch symptoms and signs to evaluate how I’m doing but most of the time there is an underlying lack of confidence and fear of being severely depressed again. If I’m lucky it could last a few days. It’s also been known to last for months. I feel so guilty during these times which just makes things worse but I don’t know how to not feel guilty about falling short in every area of my life because I lack the energy to deal with things. I might call in sick to work, cancel get togethers with friends and families, bail on my household chores and cancel commitments I made to volunteer or serve. All the hard work and progress I’ve made to make healthy eating and exercise habits go out the window as I take things hour by hour doing whatever it takes to comfort me. When you’re down carrot sticks can’t bring the same comfort as a doughnut. That's not a healthy way to deal but it's where I am right now.

Negative thoughts consume me. When I'm feeling good I can fight them with the truth but when I start to get down the negativity begins to take over. I feel like my thoughts are having me instead of me having my thoughts. All my doubts and insecurities are magnified and it becomes hard to seperate the truth from the lies.

What do I need right now?

- to replace lies with truth

- to be able to recognize the difference between true guilt and false guilt

- to push myself to eat healthy and exercise as much as I can stand it

- to pray and have others pray for me

- to continue to rest and take care of myself

And Then I Don't Feel So Bad

2006-07-27T21:05:00.000-05:00

A few of my favorite things or things that give me warm fuzzies or things that make me feel soft and mushy inside or things that touch me, inspire me, comfort me, make my heart beat faster or things I’m thankful for. This list is random, off the top of my head, not including people and in no specific order:

The Psalms: definitely my favorite book of the Bible

Singing: especially at church and with my family but also in the car, in the shower, quietly at my desk and basically everywhere I live and breathe

Realizing that God has answered yet another prayer, even if it’s in a different way than I expected, and proved Himself faithful to me once again

Tea: Drinking hot tea was something I did whenever I went to my Grandma’s house. My Grandpa drank it with sugar and milk and so did I. I’ve since discovered loose leaf tea and I think it has a smoother taste. I prefer Earl Grey but I also like English Breakfast and Mint. Sometimes with cream and sometimes without but no more sugar.

Teapots, Tea cups and all beautiful china – I pick up mismatched pieces at yard sales and thrift stores so I can enjoy several patterns

All tea accessories, spoons, doilies, tea cozies, sugar cubes, books, china, etc.

Coffee is also enjoyable!

Donuts: especially chocolate covered custard filled (these keep me soft and mushy in more ways than one. I would like to eliminate my love for them.)

Really any baked good: cookies, muffins, scones, cake, pie, bagels etc. (again with the soft and mushy DANGIT!)

Sitting in Panera Bread Restaurant with soup in a bread bowl or a Cinnamon Crunch Bagel while reading the paper.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer TV series

Kisses from my husband and walks and snuggling, talking, laughing, dating, loving, being married to my best friend

Hugs from friends and family

Scrapbooking! It is a great creative, artistic release. I find it very therapeutic. It also helps me preserve my family’s history for future generations.

Thoughtful greeting cards & gifts: giving and receiving

My mom’s home cooking

All the movies, books and musicians that are listed on my profile page

Free time, couch time, alone time, TV time, sleep time

Snow days!!

Bed & Breakfasts: I can’t wait to stay at this one next month for our mini vacation!

Libraries and book stores

Going out to eat

Blogging & reading others

This list is certainly not exhaustive but it's all for now....

Not Yet

2006-07-21T21:02:00.000-05:00

From My Cup Overflows … with the comfort of God’s Love by Emilie Barnes, a wonderful book of devotions that God is using to speak to me and bless me:

When God is taking so long to answer my prayers, when I’m ready for results and the only answer I seem to get is “Not yet”:

I hope I can remember to trust … because God knows the end from the beginning.

I hope I can remember to keep on forgiving and asking forgiveness, even when I don’t feel like doing it … because forgiveness is one of God’s most useful tools for changing lives.

I hope I remember to thank him today for what will happen tomorrow … because thankfulness keeps my heart hopeful and open to receiving his blessings.

When my cup is overflowing with trouble and God doesn’t seem to be doing anything, I hope I can remember that sometimes the waiting (and the growing) is exactly what I need the most.

Psalm 13
1 How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

3 Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;

4 my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.

6 I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me.

Penny for Your Thoughts

2006-07-07T21:31:00.000-05:00

Wow! It’s been a long time. I don’t know if I’ll ever be very consistent in posting blogs. I’m not a very disciplined person. I do however blog in my head on a regular basis. These days all of my thoughts and experiences tend to go through the blog filter in my brain. I pay attention to details I wouldn’t have pre-blog. I analyze and reanalyze. I experiment with different ways to get my point across and edit it accordingly. Most of these mental blogs never make it to print obviously but I think it’s been beneficial for me to think them out.

Sometimes I wish I could just plug my brain in to the computer and transfer my thoughts. Can you imagine if such technology existed? I’m sure it’s quite impossible but let’s pretend it is a possibility. There would be potential for great good and great evil. Wouldn’t it be interesting to see what goes through the mind of babies? Then again, I’m sure teenager’s brains would be something to behold. Really any person of any age would be a fascinating subject. Imagine if you could explore your subconscious thoughts and have them in the writing. Mental health care would be a completely different ball game as would the criminal justice system. Torturing people for information would be a thing of the past so, Jack Bauer wouldn’t know what to do with himself . I’ve always wonders what goes through the head of the mentally challenged and those born with special needs. What goes through the minds of artists, musicians, rocket scientists, serial killers, addicts, athletes and moms? In what ways do people around the world think differently or alike? Could we learn to interpret the mindspeak of animals? How much do animals think, feel and communicate?

Of course the negative aspects may outweigh the positive ones. To have our thoughts exposed and vulnerable to judgment could be very damaging and even dangerous. There would be a serious potential for loss of privacy. Our darkest thoughts could be brought to light. Could we be prosecuted for threatening thoughts? What if companies started using this technology to “interview” potential employees or evaluate their current staff? We’ve all stuck our foot in our mouths or said things we wish we could take back. Thoughts can be wild, unruly, false and downright sinful. Retraining your thought process takes work and discipline. Yet despite my hard work in this area of my life, to replace false negative thinking with true positive thinking, I still have times when it feels like my thoughts are having me instead of me having my thoughts.

Of course when it comes down to it, there is someone who knows every thought that runs through our head. He knows them before we think them!! Despite knowing the depths of our wretchedness He loves us so much that He would leave His throne in heaven and come down to live as man. Despite the fact that He has never had so much as one sinful thought He was beaten, tortured, spit upon and murdered to pay for every sinful thought and sinful act of every person ever created. More unbearable than the physical pain was the wrath poured out from God the father for those sins and the separation Jesus felt from God the father at that time. I don’t need advanced technology to know that the weight of my sins alone must have been terrible. Of course He didn’t stay dead and defeated for long. If not for the resurrection of Christ there would be no forgiveness of sins.

Father, Thank You for hearing every horrible thought of every living being, yet loving us still. It is incomprehensible how truly amazing, powerful and loving you are. Thank You for the blood of Jesus which covers us and allows us to stand blameless before Your Holiness. Thank You God for Your incredible gift of grace and the mercy and compassion you have for sinners. Thank You for making a way for us to have a relationship with You and live with You in heaven for eternity. You have saved me and redeemed my life from the pit. I love you so much! Amen

Creative Chaos

2006-06-03T06:57:00.000-05:00

"The artist's mission is to create order from chaos, so I surround myself with chaos"
- Charley Harper, modern artist, "master of minimal realism"

So THAT'S why my apartment is always a mess! haha!

A Spiritual Fire

2006-05-26T23:19:00.000-05:00

I thought the fire was out in my fireplace. I stirred the ashes, and I burned my hands. ~ Spanish poet Antonio Machado

When I read this quote I related it to a spiritual fire. Sometimes it feels like God is far away and then you go to a church service, a retreat, a concert, a small group meeting or tea with a friend, or you see a movie, read your Bible, see a rainbow or hear a child's laughter, go to the opera, marvel at the stars or hear a song on the radio and the ashes are stirred and God is as close as He's ever been.

But if I say, "I will not mention him
or speak any more in his name,"
his word is in my heart like a fire,
a fire shut up in my bones.
I am weary of holding it in;
indeed, I cannot. ~Jeremiah 20:9

"I baptize you with[a] water for repentance. But after me will come one who is more powerful than I, whose sandals I am not fit to carry. He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and with fire. ~Matthew 3:11

I know there are SOOO many more verses about fire and it is used symbolically in the Bible many times, for different things even. Our God is a consuming fire. We are purified and refined by fire. Sometimes fire destroys and other times it renews. I may find and add more verses later. It's way too late right now. If you think of or find any relevant verses, feel free to leave them in the comments section. Good night friends.

Field Trip

2006-05-22T21:17:00.000-05:00

I actually got to break free from behind my desk and go on a field trip last week. We took 2 van load of kids age 6-11 to a beautiful park on a beautiful day. What a blessing!

The van ride was a little noisy and stressful. I was in the van with the littlest ones. Luckily it was a short drive.

Actual dialogue: "Why isn't your seatbelt on!?"

"It is on!"

"Then it needs to be tightened! You shouldn't be able to STAND UP!"

Isn't she beautiful!?

There were catapillars EVERYWHERE! The girls were fascinated and love to LOOK at them. The boys picked them up by the handful and chased the girls...of course!

The little guy in the middle is such a sweetheart. He is by far the smallest 6 year old!

"Simon says, 'Jump up and down' "

This little guy was the star of the "High/Low Game". He would back up 50 feet to get a running start so he could jump over the ropes. He earned the nickname "Wheels"!

"Wheels/Monkey Boy"

These beautiful girls are sisters. I knew the moment I snapped this photo that it was special.

Group photo! I'm on the right in the yellow t-shirt.

The Da Vinci Hype

2006-05-19T21:26:00.000-05:00

I wanted to write about the Da Vinci Code drama but tenneseeblogginmama wrote almost exactly word for word what I wanted to write. Her word is worth more on the subject than mine because she actually read the book and is going to see the movie. I may get around to the book someday. I want to read some reviews to see if the movie is worth the price of admission.

My pastor Aaron Burgess* also made an interesting observation and some good points about The Da Vinci Code vs. the Left Behind series.

*Unfortunately the link to Aaron's blog doesn't seem to be working at the moment. I don't know what the deal is. Check back if you're interested.

2 Years

2006-05-19T20:58:00.000-05:00

On this day, 2 years ago, May 19th 2004, 3 year old Hunter Bittle was killed when an impaired driver crossed the double yellow line and hit the vehicle driven by Hunter’s mother Melanie.

Melanie is a precious friend of mine in Knoxville. This is Melanie’s story to tell. Check out the website: www.hunterslegacy.com. Melanie shares photos, her testimony, the story of Hunter and her inspiring faith. It amazes me that at the bottom of every page on the website is what I consider one of the most challenging verses in the Bible:

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, when you face trials of many kinds" James 1:2

I wrote Melanie and Hunter’s name by this verse in my Bible so that I will never forget her example of faith.

She has started a non-profit organization to help and minister to the victims of impaired drivers. She’s working to change the laws regarding impaired drivers. She speaks at schools, police groups,churches and more. They have had a blood drive on both anniversaries of the accident as a way to celebrate Hunter’s life. She’s amazing like that.

3 months after Hunter died Melanie's father died. In December 2005, incredulously, Melanie was diagnosed with breast cancer. She is only 33 years old and has no family history. She had a double mastectomy and is now going through the hell of chemo. The stress on her body has brought her Crohn's disease out of remission. It just doesn’t seem fair. Why this family again? Why now?

Through all of these trials, Melanie has sent out regular email updates that are candid, real, raw and inspiring. Her family is still hurting and grieving but she is leaning on her Heavenly Father to get her through.

I am so grateful to know Melanie and count her as a dear friend. I miss her. I love her. I love their whole family. If you will, pray for them.

True Beauty

2006-05-15T21:44:00.000-05:00

For the most part I hate photographs of myself. I think most women do. Gee,I don't know why this could be. Oh, could it possibly be that we automatically compare ourselves to the photographs of models and celebrities who work out 6 days a week 4 hours a day with their personal trainers, employ personal chefs for several thousand dollars a month and are airbrushed to perfection for good measure? Not to mention plastic surgery and I don't think we can underestimate the power of good lighting. GRRRRR! It makes me so mad but even though I know it's total bullcrap and not a fair comparison, I still can't break free from the influence.

At work they decided to take a head shot of all the employees and put them in a nice frame at the entrance by my desk. Of course none of the women like their picture, but you'll have to trust me when I say it's the worst picture ever taken of me in my entire life hands down.

I offer the testimony of 12 year old Tyrone as evidence. He said to me "You were sick that day, weren't you Miss Jennifer?"

Must. Suppress. Hysterical. Laughter. "No Tyrone, I know it looks that way but it's just a bad picture."

His comment was hilarious but it I also took it as a compliment. That picture is not a clear representation of me. I know I'm not all that but at least I'm not THAT!Thanks Tyrone!

My God thinks I'm beautiful and my husband thinks I'm beautiful. That's all that should matter. It's taken me a while to choose to believe that. I'm definitely not 100% there but I think I've gotten better at recognizing the lies and trying to believe the truth.

I only have so much control over my physical appearance. All the exercise and dieting in the world won't change my facial features or my Fred Flinstone feet. I don't feel like plastic surgery will ever be an option for me. Of course I can't afford it. Would I if I could? I hope I could resist the temptation. I'm not saying it's always a bad thing and I don't want to judge those that go that route. I've definitely fantasized about it but I don't think it would be a healthy choice for me.

The conclusion that I've come to is that inner beauty is FAR more important and valuable in this life and the next. I need to submit myself to God and let Him beautify me heart and soul. I've seen the glow of a beautified spirit on the face of godly women. No Hollywood studio can recreate that!

In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven. ~Matthew 5:16

When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life." ~John 8:12

But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin. ~1 John 1:7

The End and The Beginning - part 3

2006-05-11T06:59:00.000-05:00

I knew that voice but I couldn't place it at first. “Sandy?” I guessed.

“No. It’s Jan.”

I have to tell you, if I could’ve handpicked one woman out of the 100 or so that were there from all different churches from all over the city, Jan is the one I would’ve chosen to pour my heart out to. She is a godly woman whom I admire and feel safe with. She knows my background, my testimony and the story of Brian. God worked it out so perfectly. He is so good!

“Oh Jan! It’s Jennifer!” I choked out and starting sobbing again. She started reaching out to me and letting me pour it out. It was probably another 10 minutes before I would even open the stall door and another 10 minutes before I would meet her eyes. She listened and she spoke the truth over me. Things started clicking in my brain. I started to accept the truth and FEEL the truth. I started to recognize and accept the things God had been revealing to me over the last 2 years. He gave me so many signs and spoke assurances to my heart that Brian was o.k. and that I would be o.k. and I was finally ready to listen and accept it.

The story of Lazarus was probably the most powerful illustration He revealed to me. Mary and Martha, Lazarus’s sisters, sent for their good friend Jesus because Lazarus was sick and they knew Jesus could heal him. Jesus purposely waited a few days and allowed Lazarus to die so that Jesus could demonstrate His incredible power over death. As Jesus approached his friend’s home, 4 days after Lazarus had died, Martha ran out to meet Him. She said “Lord, if you had been here my brother would not have died.” That cuts me to the bone because that’s the same desperate cry I brought before God.

Jesus replied “I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies.”

When Mary reached the place where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet and said, "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died."

When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. "Where have you laid him?" he asked.

"Come and see, Lord," they replied.

Jesus wept.

Then the Jews said, "See how he loved him!"

But some of them said, "Could not he who opened the eyes of the blind man have kept this man from dying?" (John 11:32-37)

Then He proceded to raise Lazarus from the dead. God is in control. He can see the big picture that I cannot see. He loves His children dearly and truly wants the best for them. When we weep, He weeps. I wasn’t pushing Him away anymore. I finally let Him comfort me as I know He’d been ready and willing and desiring to do from day one. I finally took the advice Jason had been giving me. I have to trust what I know about God's character. I had peace for the first time since that horrible day.

Could I have reached this peace earlier if I had only surrendered to what I knew was true? I don’t think so. I had to go through this process for some reason. I had to question, I had to doubt, I had to search, I had to grieve and most of all I had to grow. Do I trust God more now then before? I think so but I really won’t know until it’s tested again and it most certainly will be because that is life in this world. Oh how I long for heaven…my home…where there is no more pain and no more tears and face to face fellowship with my creator. I can’t wait to sing for Him someday in perfect harmony with my friend Brian.

Back to the bathroom……we started to have visitors. The other women walked in and took one look at us and sort of hesitated. Jan and I assured them it was o.k. “Come on in,” we said. “Don’t go to the stall on the left, it’s out of paper”

Jan said “We’re just here to make your bathroom experience more enjoyable!” We cracked up but people looked at us kind of strange.

I was finally ready to pray so we stocked up on toilet tissue, exited the “confessional” and found a quiet room in which to pray. Again Jan prayed exactly what I needed to hear. She injected scriptures into her prayer. She asked God to reveal the truth to me so that the truth would set me free.” And so He did. He restored the joy of my salvation, not a moment too late, not a moment too soon. He is so good! Thanks be to God!

The End and the Beginning - part 2

2006-05-10T21:38:00.000-05:00

The main issue that was weighing down my heart stemmed from the death of a friend, Brian Defazio, on June 1st,2004. He was only 25 years old when he fell to his death while doing his window washing job. He was Jason’s best friend since they were toddlers, the best man in our wedding, the lead guitarist in Jason’s band and a precious friend to me and many others. While most people have a few really close friends and many acquaintances, he seemed to have the exact opposite.
I couldn’t understand why God would allow this, why He didn’t stop it. Brian had so much more to offer to this world. He wasn’t done yet, I thought. The pain was unbearable. There were no satisfactory answers to my questions from God, Jason or anyone. It wasn’t fair. I was also paralyzed with fear that something like this could happen and would happen again at anytime to someone I love. I felt betrayed by God, like I put all my trust in Him and then He let this happen. Of course there are no guarantees that these things won’t happen. I don’t even know where I got the idea that this tragedy and pain wouldn’t be a reality in my life when it certainly is in everyone else’s. I sort of knew intellectually that there’s no way God could betray me but it FELT that way and I couldn’t shake it for nearly two years! I rarely read my Bible or prayed. I didn’t want to talk to Him. I felt I couldn’t trust Him. He didn’t feel safe anymore. I know now and I knew then that these struggles were based on feelings and not on facts but what can I say? My feelings were hurt. My heart hurt more than I knew it could. I’m sure the fact that I struggle with medical depression sometimes anyway didn’t help anything. I crashed big time into the depths of despair. I stuffed my hurt, my doubts and my questions down somewhere deep inside, closed the door and threw away the key.

It’s funny though….when you keep stuffing and stuffing eventually stuff starts to seep through the cracks and under the door. It happened to me on a couple of Sunday’s when I would cry through the sermon and at the Casting Crowns concert the hinges started to come loose and things almost got really messy but I managed to keep the door closed for one more week.

I went to the one day women’s retreat feeling pretty numb and not expecting anything really. I’ve already told the story of the first half of the day. There was another speaker after the small break where we were assigned to hug strangers around us. The speaker’s testimony was powerful and my eyes started leaking again. I was starting to break down and then we broke for lunch and once again I went on like nothing was wrong. We laughed and chatted over lunch like all was well.

After lunch we returned to the sanctuary and kicked off the second half of the day with some praise and worship music. I started to lose it a few songs in and when we sang “Blessed Be The Name of the Lord”. When we got to the part that goes “You give and take away, You give and take away. My heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be Your Name” the door holding in my pain came off the hinges and everything came spilling out. I couldn’t hide my tears so I ran to the bathroom to hide in one of the stalls. Thankfully the bathroom was empty and I was able to sob long and hard and get some stuff out.

After 10 minutes of this, someone entered the bathroom and took the stall next to me. I tried to calm down and not make any noise that would give me away. I thought I was doing a pretty good job but then a voice said “I feel like I’m in a confessional. I hear you weeping and I could pray with you if you like. Do I know you?”

The End and the Beginning - part 1

2006-05-09T21:12:00.000-05:00

The women's retreat was one and a half months ago and I'm finally going to wrap up the story. I've written it in my head a million times but kept procrastinating. I think part of the reason I put it off for so long is I wanted to continue to mull it over, to analyze it, to treasure it and make sure it was for real and not just a "mountain top" retreat kind of experience. Another reason I put it off is that it's a long story. I tried to edit down to a reasonable size but I couldn't bear to leave anything out. I agree with what Scott D. and Steve said about their blogs. I mainly write it for me. It's my way of journaling. It's therapeutic. When other people read it and enjoy it or comment or relate to it or whatever that's a sweet bonus.

I've decided to divide the story into three parts. Yeah, it's that long. I've already typed it all out so you won't have to wait weeks in between the posts. I will post one a day until it's done. So it all started like this......

See, I have this disability. It's almost impossible for me to cry in front of people. Sometimes I really want to cry. I want to let people know I'm broken down and desperate so they can pray for me. When someone else is crying, I want to cry with them and share the burden with them. For whatever reason, the tears will not come. I think it's a deep rooted pride problem. It's embarrassing to choke on your words and your face get's all red and puffy and the runny nose is the absolute worst part of all. If there are no tissues readily available, well it's just gross and uncomfortable for me. If you ever have the unfortunate experience of seeing me cry, you can trust that it’s a pretty rare event.

Sometimes the tears hit me when I least expect it. A week before the retreat I saw Nichole Nordeman and Casting Crowns in concert with a group from church. The lyrics and music and presence of God was so powerful in that place that my broken heart couldn't take it and I cried almost the entire time. I put my hair down so that it covered my face somewhat. When everyone else stood and sang I stood too, but I cried. I didn't even want to stand but I wanted to blend in with the crowd so my friends wouldn't notice something was wrong, but at the same time I wanted them to notice. I'm so weird.

This was especially frustrating because singing is my thing. Everyone around me was singing and worshipping. Singing for God is my passion, my gift, my love, my joy! It’s something I know I was created to do and I couldn’t. I tried to focus on something else to distract myself but I couldn't escape. By the end of the concert I was ready to confess to the group I rode with that I was not o.k. and I desperately needed help, support and prayers but as soon as the lights came up I was miraculously healed of my inability to stop crying. I went to Perkins with everyone and chatted and laughed and cracked jokes but all the while I was still thinking “HELP! I’m not o.k.!!”

to be continued.....

Quote for the day

2006-04-28T11:59:00.000-05:00

You can take no credit for beauty at sixteen. But if you are beautiful at sixty, it will be your soul's own doing.
~Marie Stopes

Why Do I Care?

2006-04-26T21:27:00.000-05:00

So I'm trying not to waste so much time on celebrity gossip and then Britney Spears goes and gets herself pregnant again! The rumors have been circulating for months and now her rep finally confirms it. Why do I get such excitement and satisfaction out of it? I don't know her! I've never met her! I don't even like her music!!!

Updated Links

2006-04-24T21:32:00.000-05:00

So many blogs! So little time! I love staying connected with people thru our blogs. I love hearing their hearts. I love the creativity of it. I love encouraging others by sharing comments and I love when others encourage me. Of course it can't replace real, personal face to face relationships but I do think it can enhance them.

Between blogging and myspace this type of cyber interaction is becoming more and more common. I think there are pros and cons. We probably won't fully understand the effect it has on society, relationships and communication for years to come.

I've decided to dedicate more of my time to these personal and artistic interactions than reading about the latest drama with TomKat or Brangelina. If you don't know those names, don't worry, you're not missing a thing. I'm not saying I won't pick up a People magazine every now and then.....o.k even US Weekly or even that it's wrong to do so. I just want to have my priorities straight. Celebrity gossip should be an occasional veg out activity or something and not an every day thing for me personally. It's a personal decision and maybe not for everyone.

As for the new links to:

I love the hilarious and moving stories about "tnbloggingmama" and "peach" 's children, marriage, southern living, Christian walk etc.

I love the creative, passionate, poetic, dreamy, thought provoking Ceen_Marie, Megan,Thema and Larry.

I'm pumped that my pastor Aaron Burgess has entered the mix. He is such a talented writer and speaker. God uses him in a powerful way and in a way that is relevant to my life.

My hubby doesn't get as personal on his blog (yet). He likes to discuss theology and such. He likes to tackle tough questions, issues, discrepancies about our faith. There is a sweet, hilarious video of him playing the drums, sorta, kinda. He is an amazing man and I can't believe I have the honor of being his wife and best friend.

I know everyone's time is precious. It means a lot to me that you stop by my blog and read my thoughts. If you have time...these folks are worth checking out.